Mutants in tights A parody of a parody
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE A parody of Mel Brooks' 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights'
1. Opening act

Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer"

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Well, when I asked for requests, I meant the ones I'd already written, but never mind. This one was mentioned, so I'll put it up This is a parody of a Mel Brooks film that goes by the name: 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights'. As you can guess from the title, the film, in itself, is a parody, so it's a parody of a parody...yeah..that's alot of parodys. I should warn everyone now that if you take offense to things easily, this is not the fic for you, you have been warned. Right now that everyone is happy with their scripts..

"I'm not, I'm the villian!", shouts Pietro, waving his script in the air, "Why does LeBeau get the girl?! I thought you HATED Romy?!!!".

I do, but I wrote this before Romy took over , and I'm too lazy to change the casting, so we'll all have to struggle through it, besides, Remy is a thief, you know anyone else who can be Robin?. Anyway, it's not like I made you the villian trying to STEAL Rogue!

"At least I'm not a stupid horse in the parody", says Scott.

"That's debateable", smirks Pietro.

"......I hate my life", sighs Scott.

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Act 1 - The opening act

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We open on a group of archers shooting flaming arrows - that would be arrows of fire - onto the villiage of Bayville, setting fire to it. Teryn runs out of her house, panicking as it catches alight

"My house is on fire!", she screams, "My house is on fire!

"Call the fire brigade!", screams Paul...in a manly way, of course

Suddenly, Duncan arrives on a cart with 'Fire department' scrawled on it's side

"There MUST be a better way of doing the credits!", signs Teryn, ignoring the fact that no credits are running.

"That's right, everytime they do a flaming Robin Hood mo...", Duncan pauses, "parody of a parody, they burn our village down!".

The villiagers all form together in a possey and stand in front of the screen

"Leave us alone, Todd Fan!", they shout.

We cut to a scene in Bayville Forest, where Sam, Roberto, Bobby, Freddy and Ray and all hanging around in tights and the basic Robin Hood wear

"This is scarilly comfortable", muses Freddy

"Promise me you won't EVER say that again", shivers Roberto

"Here's our cue!", says Ray as rap music starts.

"Yo, yo, yo", says Bobby

"Check it out", say the others

Bobby starts to rap as the others dance behind him

**Prince Pie and the Sheriff, they was runnin' the show**

**Raisin' the taxes, 'cause they needed the dough**

**A reign of terror took over the land**

**They were slamin' down the people just to feed the big man**

**I said hey**

The guys sing back in high voices

**Hey**

**I said hey, **sings Bobby

**Hey**, sing the guys in low voices

**I said**, sings Bobby

The boy around him start dancing like pansies while singing

**Hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

Bobby blinks at them. before shaking his head, continuing with his rap

**The people were unhappy, morale was low**

**There had no place to turn to there was nowhere to go**

**They needed a hero, but no one could be found**

**'Cause Remy LeBeau was outta town**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, reply the guys, once again in high voices

**I said hey**, sings Bobby

**Hey, **sing the guys

Bobby takes a deep breath, prepared for the worst

**I said**

He gets it, the guy dance stupidly again,

**Hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

"I'm not getting paid enough for this", mutters Bobby

**He was put into the slammer by his human foe**

**And in a little while he would be no more**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, sing the high voiced guys

**I said hey**, sings Bobby

**Hey**, sing the low-voiced guys

**I said**, sings Bobby

The guys put on the pansiest dance that was ever danced by pansy-like people

**Hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

Bobby sighs, before poitning at the screen

**Check it out!**

Once the song is finnsihed, the guys give a collective shiver.

"A'h feel so.....violated", says Sam

"Is my eye twitching?", asked Roberto, twtiching his eye. "...I think it's twitching!".

Jamie walks in with a directors cap

"I got the cool job!. Shut up all of you!", he gives an evil laugh, "..Todd Fan was right, this IS fun!".

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And there we go. Despite the Romyness, I did enjoy writing this one, and I shall enjoy it again. Yup. Besides, I like Remy, so I can deal with it. Do review. Until next time....


	2. Great strength of feet

Mutants in tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have but one claw but beware!"

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Act Two - Great strength of feet

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We go to a little prison in Africa. A door opens and Remy gets thrown into a wall, then pushed down a corridor. He is stopped by David just before walking over a grate with various people's hands sticking out. David walks over, lashing his whip over them all. Just after they pass, the hands re-appear, flipping off David. We get to another area, where Evan is wirting something on his scrolls. He looks up and smiles cheerfully at Remy

"Ahhh hello, hello, welcome, welcome, to THE DUNGEON!", he grins, waving his hands happily

Remy watches, slightly bemused, as Evan jaunts up to him, still smiling as if he is in the happiest place on Earth.

"Hellooooo, I'm Evan, the dungeon keeper!", he smiles happily, "Allow me to show you to your cell".

He prances off towards a big heavy door, which is opened by men with cloths on their heads. Evan passes through with no problem, but Remy bangs his head on the top of the doorway)

"Duck, says Evan, then looks at a slightly concussed Remy, "I always forget about that".

"Look, Jean-Luc, stars", says Remy, blinking dozily.

Evan looks at Remy's attire and shakes his head

"I'm sorry, but we can't seat you without the proper attire", he says, gesturing to the rest of the inmates, "See?".

We pan the dungeon, where all the prisoners have big, long beards..including the women.

"I got a goatee, does dat count?", asks Remy hopefully.

Evan regards him for a moment.

"No".

He clicks his fingers and David hangs a false beard from Remy's ears

"Ahhh, that's much better!", he says, "Now I leave you in the capable hands of Alex, he's our head guard".

Alex walks up and growls at Remy

"We gave him some green stuff from the bottom of the fridge...it may have affected his brain", whispers Evan, then adds out loud, "And if there's anything you require, please don't hesitate to scream!".

A loud scream echoes through the complex

"Coming!", says Evan cheerfully, "We're so busy!".

He happily walks off, leaving Remy looking rather worriedly at a drooling Alex

"Follow me", growls Alex, lathering Remy in spit.

They walk off, Remy wiping the drool from his eye

"Please sit", says Alex, pointing at a bench

Remy does as he is told and sits down next to Lucid

"Remy Of N'Orleans, where is your King?", growls Alex

"King?, King?", asked Remy, blinking inocently, "And which King might dat be? King Xavier?, King Louis?, King Kong?, Larry King?".

"Impurtenent English...", Alex pauses, "err New Orleans dog!. You shall talk!".

"Remy don't t'ink so", smirks Remy smugly.

"Lucid, please, the tounge looseners", says Alex with an evil grin

Facade, David and Leech cover their ears, eyes and mouth respectively. Lucid hands Alex a pair of long pliers, which Alex uses to grab Remy's tounge

"Speak you dog, speak!", shouts Alex, "oooh this is fun"

"Uh uh", says Remy, proving he cant' actually speak with a big pair of pliers squeasing his tounge.

Alex starts to pull with the tounge loseners, stretching out Remy's tounge

"Strechy, strechy!!!", laughs Alex as he poings it back and then says something in Morlock to Lucid

"What did he say?", asks Remy, now speaking with a bit of a lisp.

Lucid looks at him in pitty before starting to walk away.

"...You don't wanna know".

Lucid drags Remy away, and sits him on a bench next to Mystique, chaining his feet to a pole going around the bottom of the bench.

"You're very brave for a New Orlean idiot", comments Mystique.

"Err....thank you?", tries Remy

"I have been in this place for a while, perhaps I can be of some service to you", she offers.

"Ewwwww, no t'anks", grimaces Remy.

"Mind out of the gutter!", snaps Mystique, "Do you have any questions?".

Remy watches her carefully.

"What are you in for?".

Mystique gives him a dead-pan look before turning away

"Jaywalking".

"Oh", says Remy, "...I see".

Lucid walks away and Remy examines his chains

"I could just charge dis up an....".

"You're not allowed to!", snaps Jamie from his directors chair.

"Oh, damn it!", snaps Remy, "It's not going to be easy getting out of here. What we need is a great feat of strength".

He takes off his fake beard and strokes his goatee in thought. Mystique suddenly realises something

"Feat of strength?. Oh contraire!", she says, "Now that you are here with me, what we have is great strength of feet!".

She nods proudly, while Remy looks at her blankly

"Don't follow", he replies.

"There's a suprise", she mutters, "Do as I do. Now put both feet on the bar".

They do so

"Now on the count of kick", she says, "KICK!".

They both kick and the bar falls down. They cheer happily, then heard the sound of Lucid coming back. They panic and pull the bar back up, Remy putting his fake beard back on

"What was that noise?", says Lucid, narrowing his eyes.

"Err..noise?", asks Remy, looking around, "noise?".

"The..the noise you heard was the breaking of this poor man's heart", says Mystique quickly.

"Yes dats it..", says Remy, holding a hand to his chest drimatically, "ohhhh".

"What?", asks Lucid, blinking

"He's decided to save his poor life by betraying his king", says Mystique, shaking her head, "Tut tut".

"Yes dats it", says Remy, "Ohh damn my eyes".

He pauses, looking at his script.

"What's WRONG wit' Remy's eyes?!!!", he protests, "Remy has NICE eyes. Todd Fan loves Remy's eyes!!!"

"It was in the original script", Jamie shrugs, "Todd Fan though it was odd an kept it in"

"So go, go tell your superior before he changes his mind", says Mystique, getting things back on track...assuming they HAD a track in the first place.

"Yeah!", says Lucid happily, "This is a wonderfull thing!".

"Go", says Mystique with a smile

"It would mean a big promotion for me!", muses Lucid

"Go", says Mystique, waving her hands encouragingly.

Lucid starts to walk away, before stopping and turning back

"Good news is always rewarded", he says

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO!!!", snarls Mystique, before clearing her throat, "I mean..Please, go".

Lucid starts to go up the steps and heads out of the door. Remy and Mystique go to move the bar again, but Lucid re-appears around the door, making them both sit casually. Remy crossing his legs and whistling, Mystique propping her elbow on her knee and putting a chin her her hand

"Oh the other hand...bad news is serverly punished".

He takes a moment to think about this, before dismissing it and leaving

"Now is our chance", says Mystique

They both free themselves from the bar, standing up, moving to free the other prisoners.

"Quick, follow me", says Mystique, "You get that chain, I'll get this one".

"Righty ho", says Remy, then frowns, "...man English accents are HARD!".

They run to either side of the wall and pull on the chains, freeing all the prisoners, who shout happily. They all run for the one grated window in the room. they use their shackles to hook onto the grate and pull themselves up the wall, they help each other out until they are all on the large window ledge

"Alright, on the count of three", says Mystique

"One, two, three!", say the prisoners in unison.

They all push at the window, which just swings open, it was unlocked, with that, they all walk out onto flat land, congradulating each other on their freedom, Duncan slams the grate window behind him. Lucid suddenly runs in

"I just told him the good news..and...and...", he frowns, looking at the empty dungeon, "I'm in deep shit"

We go to a little later on in the day, on the beach. We see Kitty, Amara and Ray racing along the beach on camels. They race past where Remy and Mystique are standing on a hill

"It is a very long journey from Africa to Bayville, my friend", she says

"No kiddin'", says Remy dryly, "Well, Gambit owe you a great debt of gratitude, mon ami".

They shake hands

"I am called Remy of N'Orleans", he introduces himself

"My name's Asneeze", says Mystique, "mother of Achoo".

"Bless you", smiles Remy

"No no no, Achoo is my son", says Mystique, "He's in Bayville...your town. He's an exchange student. I'd like you to look after him".

She pulls out a picture, which Remy puts into his pocket after a brief glance

"He is in need of guidance. He is headstrong and cocksure", Mystique pauses, "..or is it the other way around?

"Mooooooom!", whines Kurt from backstage

"Say no more", says Remy, puffing out his chest, " I vow on de scared word of N'Orleans, I give you my undying pledge, my sollem oath on my father's honour, on de blood of my heart, on de word of my soul, on de very centre of my being dat nothing shall...".

"Good", Mysqqiue interupts him before they all become comatose, "You must go now, or you will miss the tide".

Remy look out to sea and nods

"Yes, yes..well. Farewell, my friend, and not to worry, I'll find Achoo".

With that, Remy shakes Mystique's hand again and walks off, Mystique waving him off

"Goodbye my friend. Farewell. Safe journey", she says, "...call me!".

As she waves him off he dives into the sea and starts to swim off. We see a little map, which shows him as a dotted line swimming from Africa all the way around to Bayville. He washes up on the shores of Bayville, a big Hollywood style sign saying 'BAYVILLE' on the cliff.

"Home, home, Bayville!", sighs Remy, soaking wet and covered with seaweed.

Remy drops to his knees and kisses the sand, before realising his mistake and spitting out a mouthfull of the stuff

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse", he weezes, stumbling off.

"And cut, good work people", grins Jamie

"Gambit t'inks he swallowed a jellyfish", weezes Remy

"You'll be fine", says Jamie, waving a hand

"Gambit finding it hard to breathe", says Remy, falling on the floor.

"There you go", says Jamie, patting the unconcious Cajun on the head, "all you need is a good lie down"

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Ahh fun with Remy. Do review. Until next time...


	3. Homecoming

Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Of course it's couldn't be Gabriel's flute or Gabriel's kazoo...nooo".

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Hey all, sorry for the late update. Got alot of work on, and exams in 2 weeks, so I may not be able to update for a while.

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ACT 3 - Homecoming

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A little while later, Remy is riding a horse with 'Rent a wreck' on it's back. He has somehow found a whole new change of clothes, and is in the typical Robin Hood atire He comes upon an area where a blue elf-boy is being beaten up by Duncan, Kelly, Paul, Teryn and Griff..you guys remember Griff..right?. Remy pulls out the picture that Mystique gave him and looks at it. It is pretty much wreaked after his 'swim' but you can just make out Kurt grinning like an idiot.

"Achoo?", asks Remy

The humans pause in their beating to look up at Remy

"Bless you", they say in unison

They then carry on beating up Kurt. Remy thinks this over for a second)

"Dat must be him", he decides

Meanwhile, Kurt has broken free of his captors and he is surrounded by them as they form a large circle around him. Remy runs in and joins the fight

"Watch my back", says Remy

Kurt watches as Duncan punches Remy twice in the back

"You're back just got punched", says Kurt helpfully, "twice".

"Merci", weezes Remy

Remy throws back a fist, throwing Duncan away. Soon they both find themselves in the middle of all the humans, who are currently on the floor

"Hey, thanks man!", grins Kurt

Remy holds out a hand

"You're welcome".

Instead of a hand shake, Kurt slaps Remy's hand. Remy looks at his hand before putting both hands on his hips

"Vho are you anyway?", asks Kurt

The humans by now have all stood up and recovered, and are surrounding the pair

"I t'ink now is not de time for introductions", says Remy

Everyone gets ready to fight when Kurt suddenly makes a 'T' with his hands

"Time out. 'Scuse me bad guys. I am running out of air", he says, "Gotta get pumped".

He flips his hair back before stooping down to his trainers. He squeases the tounges, which make little hissing sounds as everyone else watches dumbfounded. Kurt finishes and smiles

"Ok, honkies", he says, "Time in".

Remy blinks at him in confusion for a moment as the humans close in, Remy and Kurt stand back to back

"By the by", says Remy under his breath, "Do you know 'praying mantis'?".

"You're looking at him", says Kurt smugly.

Suddenly, they start to make very kung-fu like noises which, combined with German and Cajun accents, resemble a cat being skinned alive. They beat up all the humans, who make a hasty retreat

"Good work", says Remy

"Thanks ,man", says Kurt with a nod

As the pair head for the 'rent a wreak', they hear growling. They turn around to see Kelly waving his fists by a tree.

"You haven't seen the last of us!", he vows

Remy gives him a deadpan look before reaching into this 'rent a wreck' saddlebag and pulling out an bow and arrow. Kurt watches in amazement as the single arrow folds out to become seven joined arrows. Remy fires his arrows, they all pin Kelly to the tree

"Errr", Kelyl glances around with a nervous laugh, "...you've seen the last of us".

We move on to a little later, where Kurt and Remy ride 'rent a wreck' up to a big castle

"Dere she is. N'Orleans hall", says Remy proudly, "Home of my family for seven generations".

We see Nick Fury standing in front of the hall

"Lets go! Move it!", he shouts.

He waves his hands and two S.H.I.E.L.D horses start to pull the castle, which is on wheels, away. Remy watches dumbfounded. He jumps off his horse and runs to the castle, grabbing onto the door frame and trying desperately to stop it from moving

"Stop de castle!. Stop de castle!", he cries as he's dragged along.

Nick sighs and whistles, halting the moving of the castle. He puts an appologetic hand to S.H.I.E.L.D before turning to look at Remy

"You dere!", says Remy, putting his hands on his hips, "I demand to know what is going on here!".

Nick sighs and reaches into his bag, which has 'tax collector' written on it, pulls out a scoll and hands it to Remy

"Read 'em and weep", he says remorselessly.

Kurt comes over to have a look too as Remy reads the scroll

"Hear ye, hear ye", Remy reads, "For failure to pay back taxes, all de lands, castle and properties of de family N'Orleans shall be taken in lieu of payment. Signed, Prince Pie's royal accountant HMR Blockhead!. Dis is a SHAM!. I vow here and now to restore my castle to it's rightfull place!".

"Yeah yeah, you vow, we move!", says Nick, then turns to his agents, "Lets go boys! Take it out!".

Nick laughs evily and the castle is removed, just leaving small bits of wall and a few statues. In the middle, sitting on a toilet is Forge. He has dark glasses on and is leafing through a magazine...which turns out to be a braile version of 'playboy'

"First an old man, now this", mutters Forge, "What did I do do deserve it?"

"Blinkin?", says Remy.

"Vho's that?", asks Kurt

"It's Blinkin!", says Remy, "My family's loyal blind servant".

"Couldn't have been a very good servant if he's blind", mutters Kurt, then looks up as 'rent a wreck' runs off, "I gotta go get the horse, man".

Kurt bounds off, whistling for the horse to come back

"Here horsey, horsey, horsey", he shouts.

"Blinkin!", calls Remy happily

"Be right out!", says Forge, standing up.

Remy runs up to the other side what is left of the wall and smiles happily

"Blinkin!", he says happily

"Master Remy, is that you?", asks Forge.

"Yes", says Remy, holding his hands in the air

"What, back from the Crusades?", asks Forge

"Yes", says Remy, still smiling

"And alive?", asks Forge with a grin

Remy pauses for a long moment

".....Yes".

"Oh happy day!", says Forge joyously/

He goes to open the non-existant door, only to fall through empty space and hit a stautue of an armless woman

"I'm quite sure there was a door there", he mutters.

He gives the statue a hug

"Master Remy. OH!", he pauses, "You lost your arms in battle! How terrible!"

He pauses.

".....But you grew some nice boobs!", he gives the statue a hearty slap-slap

"Blinkin, I'm over here", sighs Remy, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Oh...err..later", says Forge to the statue, before starting to walk away, only to have Remy grab him

"Blinkin, listen to me", says Remy, "Dey've taken de castle!".

"I thought it felt a bit draughty", muses Forge, then sighs, "Gah, this never would have happen if your father was alive".

"......He's dead?", asks Remy, paling.

"Yes", says Forge

"And my mother?", asks Remy.

"She died of phemonina whilst", Forge sighs, "..oh, you were away".

"My brothers?", sniffs Remy

"They were all killed by the plauge", replies Forge with a shrug.

".....My dog Pongo?", sobs Remy

"Run over by a carriage", says Forge

"My Goldfish, Goldie?", asks Remy hopefully.

"Eaten by the cat".

"My cat?", says Remy with a whimper

"Choked on the goldfish", says Forge solemly, then adds cheerfully, "Oh it's good to be home, 'aint it Master Remy?".

Before Remy gets the chance to cry, Forge pulls him into a bear-hug. Remy winces and pulls away

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What is dat?", he ask, poking something dangling from Forge's neck.

"My clam shell necklace that i wear ALL the time to show my Native American heritage?", tries Forge

"Non! Dat!", says Remy, pointing again.

"Oh. Your father wanted me to give you this", says Forge, pulling out a golden locket, "He said that inside is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land.....may I keep it?".

"Uummm", Remy pauses, "No, Blinkin. I think I'd better honour my fathers wishes".

"Of course", says Forge, he goes to put it over Remy's neck, only misses and puts it around Remy's arm instead.

Remy looks at it before putting it around his neck. He then puts an arm around Forge's shoulder

"Come, Blinkin. Let us leave this depressing foundation", he says, "We have much to do, and less time to do it in".

Suddenly, Kurt shows up with 'Rent a wreck'

"Hey, hey Remy, vait up", he pants.

"Oh. Well done, Achoo", smiles Remy

"Ja, he vas running fast but I caught him", says Kurt, stating the obvious

"Who's that?", asks Forge, looking around

"Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Achoo", says Remy

"A Jew..here?", asks Forge

"No...not A Jew", sighs Remy tiredly, "Achoo".

"Put it there", says Kurt, holding out a hand.

Forge misses and hits Kurt in the stomach).

"How do you do?", asks Forge cheerfully.

"I've been better", gasps Kurt, doubled up in pain.

They are about to set on their way when they hear screaming. They look up to see Kitty running at them, frailing her arms and screaming

"Help me, help me. Arrrghhhh. Save me!", she screams

She runs up to the camrea and puts her hand on her face and scream a-la-'Home Alone', then runs up to the group, still screaming

"Eeets a runaway non-furry girl", says Kurt

Kitty clings onto Gambit's arm. Then pauses and strokes it

"Ooooohhhh...I could get used to this", she smiles, snuggling up to him

"O..k", says Remy, strugglign to get his arm free, "Steady on, what's de matter?".

"They're, like, after me!", squeaks Kitty.

She points to where she came running from. Out ride a couple of people on horseback. As they get closer, we see on horseback are Viper, Lucas, Calisto and Magma, who are singing, in the middle of them is Scott, who is NOT singing.

**Da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da, da da da daaahhhhh!**

They ride up and stop in front of the little band. Scott puffs out his chest, showing complete control and pride. He is the man in charge. He is cool, he is collected

"Over that girl hand!".

.....He has screwed up his line. Remy, Kurt, Forge and Kitty look at him blankly

"Ugh", groans Scott, "Hand over that girl".

"Who demands it?", asks Remy, narrowing his eyes

"The Sheriff of Rottingham", says Scott, smoothing his hair back then smoothes the mane of his horse for good measure

"And what has de girl done?", asks Remy, arching a brow

"She was caught poaching in the Kings forest. She deered to kill the King's dare", says Scott, then groans, ".....ugh, she dared to kill the King's deer".

"But I'm a vegetarian!", protests Kitty, "...I like deer!".

"And dis is an offence?", asks Remy

"One punishable by death", says Scott, crossing his arms, "Where HAVE you been?".

"Fighting with King Xavier in de crusades", says Remy, then adds snidely, "Unfortuantely MY father couldn't get ME into de national guard".

Kitty, Forge and Kurt giggle and Scott looks flustered

"How DARE you talk to me in that fashion, who are you?!!!", he snaps

"I am Remy Of N'Orleans", says Remy with a dramatised bow.

"Oh yes, I've heard of you", scowls Scott, "They say you're pretty hand with a sword. LET'S FIND OUT!".

He goes to draw his sword, only to have it break, leaving him holding the hilt

"Damn the small prop budget", he mutters.

As he stares at his hilt, Remy walks over and cuts the saddle, so Scott and saddle upside down, so Scott is now dangling beneath the horse.

"I was angry at you before, N'Orleans", he shouts, "but now I'm really PISSED OFF!".

"Ooooooooh, Scott said a naughty vord!", grins Kurt, then adds evily, "If I vas that close to a horses veeiner, I'd be vorried about getting pissed ON".

Forge and Kitty have a laugh at this

"You know...this wasn't a very smart thing for you to have done, N'Orleans", says Scott, then vows, "I'LL PAY FOR THIS!".

He pauses, noting the others chuckling

"Ugh!", he groans, "YOU'LL pay for this! KILL THEM!"

Remy puts his sword next to Scott's upside down throat

"Wait I've", Scott gulps, "...changed my mind".

"Wise decision", says Remy with a nod, "So, until we meet again, have a safe journey".

He hits the horse on the rump with his sword, making it gallop off....we would like to say at this point that no horses were harmed during the making of this scene. We see Scott's head bobbing along as the horse runs

"Ow ow ow ow ouch!"

"Mind de big rocks!", laughs Remy

As Kurt, Forge and Kitty laugh, Viper, Lucas, Calisto and Magma ride off after Scott, begining to sing again.

**Da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da, da da da daaahhhhh**

"Shut up you bloody fools!", moans Scott

"Good ridance to bad rubbish", says Remy, then grimaces as Kitty begins snuggling his arm again.

"Oh, thank you for saving my life, m'Lord", she says, "I shall tell all that I see that there is one man in Bayville who is not afraid to stand up to Rottingham and his men..err people".

"Good. Tell dem dat. Tell dem also dat Remy vows to put an end to de injustice. Right de wrongs. End de Tyrany. Restore de throne", Remy pauses, considering, "...protect de forest....introduce folk dancing...demand a four day work week...and affordable health care for Mutants..and Humans".

Kitty has been getting rather impatient

"Yes yes, good good", she says, "Well...it's getitng dark, and I gotta go home alone now....bye".

She suddenly starts screaming again and runs off in the fashion that she came

"Mmm...what an unusual girl", msues Remy.

"Annnnnd CUT!", shouts Jamie

"Oh thank God!", sighs Forge, "If I have to stick these STUPID glasses anymore....".

He takes off the glasses specially made to make him unable to see

"Arggghhh the light", he cries, rolling around on the floor, "All I can see are black dots!!!"

"I told you not to take them off quickly", sighs Jamie

---------------

Well, there's another chapter. Like I said, it may be a while before I update, hopefully I'll find time next week. Do review. Until next time...


	4. Bad news in a good way

Muatnts in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The right guy, he's out there. I'm just not gonna go kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him".

-----------

Woot, I finished my assignment work for this semester! Now all I have to worry about are mid terms, but I can still update, yey! It's SO nice finding you have more time than you originally thought. Okay, things may slow up a bit on the last week of January (becoming to be known as 'EXAM!!! week'), but I should get at least one update up then ;D

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ACT 4 - Bad news in a good way

--------------

We head off to a beautiful castle, which we zoom in on, as a southern voice sings from inside. We zoom closer and closer to a window. From within the castle, we hear the Southern voice of Rogue singing softly.

**Where is the one**

**  
That a'h love most of all?**

**  
When will a'h hear him call**

**  
Marian, Marian?**

"As known until recently", says Jamie, popping out, "Marian is the birth name of the Rogue of Ultimate X-Men, a fact not published when Todd Fan wrote this fic, how's THAT for spooky?!!!!"

There is silence for a moment, before the singing continues.****

He is the one

**  
Who can make ma'h life whole**

**  
Joyful, forever more**

Inside the castle, Rogue is sitting in a bathtub, brushing her hair.

"Naked Rogue!", shouts Jamie, then clears his throat, "sorry"

Rogue blinks at him before going back to her song.

**Ah've waited so patiently**

**  
For a true love**

**  
When will he come for me?**

**  
Where is he?**

**  
Where is he? **

**  
Ohhhhhhh!**

Suddenly, there is a shatter and a camera breaks through the window

"Sorry!", calls out Jamie as the camera sinks back out of view, taking broken stained glass with it.

Rogue blinks in confusion.

"Ummm.."

"Carry on!", shouts Jamie, "don't stop singing, we can still make this work!"

Rogue shakes her head, before singing again.

**Where is the man**

**  
Who carries the key?**

**  
When will he be**

**  
With his Marian, Marian?**

**A'h can not wait**

**  
Till he sets my heart free**

**  
Oh, when will a'h know him?**

**  
When will a'h see him?**

**  
When will a'h hear him?**

**  
Say 'Marian, my love?'**

She sighs and stares dreamily into space as her number ends. Wanda, wearing a suit that makes her seems ALOT larger than she really is, comes bustling in with a towel

"Hurry UP mein lady!", she says, putting on a fake German accent, "You better get out of that tub, before that thing begins to rust!".

"Been eating too much chocolate Wanda?", asks Rogue with a sly smirk.

"Tell me something 'Marian'", growls Wanda, "do you WANT to die today?"

Rogue narrows her eyes.

"Bring it on, sister", she growls.

"Alright!!!", says Roberto with a wide grin, rubbing his hands, "half-naked cat fight!!!".

"NO half-naked cat fights!!!", shouts Jamie, running onto the set, "no no no! Get to your work! Roberto, go away, you're not needed yet!"

"Okay", sighs Roberto, moping off, "it's bad enough the show only gave me about six sentences in my entire time on the show, but now I'm not wanted here".

Jamie sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Roberto vanishes. He points a warning finger at Wanda and Rogue before leaving the set.

"All right Broomhilde", says Rogue with a sigh.

She stands up and wraps a towel around her, showing that she has iron underwear on, including a heart-shaped lock. The underwear has the word 'Everlast' on it

"Hurry hurry, it's freezing", says Wanda

She hands Rogue a nightgown so she can get dressed

"Oh these castles are so drafty", mutters Wanda

She walks over to a fireplace then, despite it being the middle-ages, turns on a tap which makes a roaring fire appear

"Ahhh. Toasty warm", says Wanda with a proud nod, rubbing her hands together.

Suddenly, a little bird appears at the window)

"Oh, Broomhilde look! A happy little bluebird", smiles Rogue, then groans, "...aww man do a'h HAVE to be so cheerfull?!!!".

"I'm underneath five different layers of foam", mutters Wanda, crossing her arms, "...think yourself lucky!".

Rogue walks up to the bluebird and holds out her hand

"Hello", she says with a sickeningly sweet smile.

The bird flies over to her, then lands on her hand

"This means a'h must make a wish", she says, then stares into the distancem as she is prone to do, "A'h hope against hope. A'h wish against wish. That the heavens will be bring me a kind, gentle wonderful man. Who posess the key to ma'h....".

Both girls look down at the chastidy belt

"....Heart".

The bird twitters as flies off.

"Goodbye ma'h little friend", says Rogue waving her hand.

"Oooohhh here birdie!", comes Sabertooth's voice from backstage

We hear the bird scream in terror, then silence

"....Okay", says Wanda, blinking, then pointing at Rogue's hand, "That happy little bluebird had left a happy little doo doo on your hand".

She spits on a tissue and goes to wipe it away, before pausing

"Then again....", she drops the tissue, moving away from Rogue's hand, "no coma for me today".

Rogue stares out of the window and gives a dramatised sigh. We then go on to another part of the castle. Scott runs through the door

"Prince Pie", "I must speak with you!".

Pietro is sitting on a throne, looking very bored, surrounded by servants and women. He has a mole on his right cheek, remember it

"Alright everybody", he sighs boredly, waving his hand, "later, later".

Amanda is still cuddled up to his arm

"La-t-er", says Pietro, looking at her pointedly.

Amanda giggles and skips off.

"Honey?", squeaks Kurt, giving a sniff.

Scott strides over to Pietro purposefully.

"Sire, I have", he pauses, "...news".

"Oooooh I like being called 'sire'", muses Pietro, then looks at Scott, "And what sort of news do you have?"

His face pales.

"It's not bad news is it? You know i can't TAKE bad news", he gives a sniff, "The day started out so good. I got a good night's sleep, I got a three girls' phone numbers, I don't want to hear ANY bad news. Now, what type of news IS it?".

Scott shuffles uncomfortably.

"Well, to be perfectly frank", he says, "...it's bad".

Pietro throws his goblet to the side

"I knew it!!! I knew it was bad news!", he cries, then pauses, "....Wait a minute, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the BAD news in a GOOD way it won't SOUND so bad".

Scott blinks, flumoxed at this.

"The..the bad news in a good way? Umm..yes yes..I can do that", he says, "The bad news in a good way....Ummm..well..here goes..Ahem..Um..."

Scott pauses for a moment, before bursting out into a very, very loud laugh, causing Pietro to jump.

"HA HA HA HA! Wait 'till you hear this!. Hee hee. I just bumped into Remy of N'Orleans. He's back from the crusades. Ha ha ha ha. He just beat the CRAP out of me and my men. Ha ha ha. He hates you, and he loves your brother, Xavier. Ha ha ha. And..tee hee, he wants to see you hanged! Ha ha ha!", Scott gives an unattractive snort, leaning onto the throne for support, "We're in an awful lot of trouble. Ha ha ha!".

Pietro looks at him in sheer horror.

"What are you CRAZY?!!!", she shouts, "Why are you laughing?! This is terrible news!".

"But I..I..you told me", Scott blinks, "..I..I...I was just trying to soften the blow...".

"Well you blew it", says Pietro with a whimper.

"This is a problem, sire, not easily solved", says Scott.

"Yes..you're right. What to do?, what to do?, what to do?", Pietro suddenly grins, "GOT IT!. Latrine! The weird creature in the tower, the one that predicts my future!".

"Oh yes.....Latrine", says Scott, giving a shudder, "Ugh, Boy is she ugly?!".

We move to the tower, where Pietro enters a dark and dusty room, his mole has now moved to his chin

"Latrine?", he calls out, "Latrine, where are you, I must talk to you!".

We hear a scream from backstage and Jean is pushed into the room, her hair has been frizzled out, she had animal carcasess dangling from her battered clothes and she is covered with warts

"I thought the horses rear end was bad!", she whines, "why does Todd Fan hate me?"

"Because the comic version of yourself was instrumental in the breakup of the Forge/Storm relationship Todd Fan loves so much", says Jamie unhelpfully, "if comic you had told Forge that Storm really did love him instead of not giving him a straight answer, thus adding to his kinda paranoid nature, then Forge and Storm would be married and Forge wouldn't be reduced to being a background character who only apears when something needs to be built".

The sounds of an angry Welsh woman ranting can be heard from backstage.

"....Oh", sais Jean quietly, "but that wasn't me...."

"Doesn't matter, Todd Fan will hate your character for all time, in all your incarnations for that", says Jamie, "now, action!"

Pietro, pretending the rant hasn't happened, jumps as Jean appears.

"Argghhh! Kill it!", he screams before letting out a breath of relief, "Oh, phew it's you. Listen, i know your power, what can you tell me about Remy Of N'Orleans?".

"Remy Of N'Orleans? Remy Of N'Orleans?", Jean narrows her eyes, "Mmmm Let me see".

She starts to mix ingredients into a frying pan

"Ravens egg, blood of a hen", Jean pauses, "....little bit more blood, yes. Eyeballs of a crocodile. Testicles of a newt"

She winks at Pietro,

"...Guess he's a transexual now, huh? Hah!".

She stirs the stuff a bit, then looks at it

"Remy Of N'Orleans is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honour", she looks pointedly at Pietro, "Little sod could be trouble".

"Are you certain?", asks Pietro, sitting forward in his seat.

"Certain?", asks Jean, then huffs, "You want certain, you hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook! Here, eat this!".

She deposits the contents of the frying pan onto a plate and puts it in front of Pietro. He looks at his meal, and it looks back at him

"Mmm...looks...ugh...fabulous!", says PIetro, grimacing, "....Looks like something Kitty would cook".

He scoops up an eyeball and tries to eat it, only to spit it out, it bounces across the table. Pietro whimpers slightly, before chosing to wisely take attention from his 'food'.

"Such an unusual name, Latrine", he says conversationally, "How did your family come by it?".

"We changed it in the ninth century", says Jean

"You mean...you changed it..", Pietro blinks, "TO Latrine?".

"Yeah, used to Shithouse", replies Jean, then narrows her eyes, "I really hate Todd Fan"

"That's a good change...a good change!", says Pietro with a nervous laugh, "Now, how about this Remy fella?, how can I stop him?".

"Maybe I could devise a magic potion. One that would make him unable to preform the slightest task", grins Jean, then holds up a finger, "But in return, you must help me".

"What are you kidding", grins Pietro, "Name it! Anything you want!".

"Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Rottingham", she says, "I've got the hots for him! Purrrrr".

"Ugh", says Pietro, rolling his eyes as Jean skips to a hidden curtain.

"I've got a likeness of him in my boudoir", says Jean.

She pulls back a curtian revealing a life-size cardboard cut-out of Scott. She hugs him while Pietro looks on, disgusted

"Ooooh Rotty, Rotty, Rotty", purrs Jean, snuggling up to 'Scott'.

"Oh Gods, she's making her bedroom eyes", says Scott from backstage.

"I am amazed!. To think that a handsome guy like the Sheriff of Rottingham would ever want a creature like you...".

Jean glares at PIetro for his comment.

"Well....if you're gonna PUNCTURE my dreams", she says, "...you can forget about my promise to help you!".

"No, wait wait wait, wait, wait", says Pietro, rushing over to her, "Maybe if we got him drunk...".

Jean turns to smile at him

"......VERY drunk", adds PIetro with a grimace, "...you got a shot".

Jean giggles happily as we zoom in on the cut-out, who has suddenly got a VERY worried look on his face

"Man, I love my job", grins Jamie.

-----

Another chapter done! Do review. Until next time...


	5. Gathering of the merry men

Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You know we're all going to go to college as virgins...you realize this, right? I mean they probably have special dorms for people like us".

------------

ACT 5 - Gathering of the Merry Men

-------------

We get to the happy woods of Bayville, where, by some miracle, Remy, Kurt and Forge have managed to fit on 'Rent a wreck'. They stop in front of a bridge crossing a tiny river. On the bridge stands Sabertooth, who is leaning on a big stick

"Dismount", says Remy as everyone gets off the horse, "Wait here, I'll go make sure it's safe".

Kurt takes hold of the reins and waits with Forge as Remy goes up to Sabertooth. They stand in silence for a second

"Would you mind moving out of de way?", asks Remy sweetly.

Sabertooth looks thoughtfull for a moment.

"I say, not until ya pay the toll", he says.

"Toll?", asks Remy, "What toll?".

Sabertooth blinks at him, as if Remy didn't understand the answer.

"Well...", he explains, "the toll you pay fer cossing my bridge".

"Gambit not payin' no toll", says Remy indignantly, "Dis bridge is on my families land. Well....used to be my families land".

Sabertooth stares at him for a second

"Hey, you're Remy of N'Olreans!", he says, "Ahahahhahahah!".

He suddenly grabs Remy's hand, his clawed one pretty much swallowing it alive before shaking wildly, almost yanking Remy's arm off in the process

"Oww.", winces Remy, then looks at Sabertooth, "And who might you be?".

"They call me Little John", says Sabertooth, then holds up a clawed finger, "Don't let my name fool you, in real life, i'm very big".

"DAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!", screams Remy, "I....mean I'll take you're word for it. Now let me pass".

Remy goes to walk past Sabertooth, who puts out a hand, stopping Remy in his tracks.

"Eerrrrrr...no. Sorry", says Sabes, "But a toll is a toll. And a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls"

He grins proudly.

"Hee hee. I made that up".

Remy humours him with a small chuckle

"Dat's very fascinating, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you", he says pleasantly.

"Oh yeah, my pleasure", grins Sabertooth happily, before shouting over his shoulder, "Will!".

Pyro suddenly comes running out of the bushes with Remy's bo staff.

"Promise Remy you never tell him what you were doing in dere with dat, says Remy, paling..

Pyro grins and tosses Remy his bo staff. Which Remy catches. As he and Saberooth start to get into a fighting stance, Kurt sighs from where he and Forge are by the horse

"Hey Blinkin'", says Kurt

Forge blinks around blindly.

"Did you say Abe Lincon?".

"No, I didn't say Abe Lincon", growls Kurt, "I said HEY BLINKIN', hold ze reins man!".

He plonks the reins of the horse in Forge's hand and 'ports off to the bridge. He reappears by the bank on Remy's side)

"Hey, Remy".

"Excuse me", says Remy to Sabes, then looks at Kurt.

"No, excuse me", smiles Kurt,then clears his throat, "Hey, look man, you don't have to do this. Look, this 'aint exactly the Missasipi!".

He points to the tiny stream in front of him, barely a trickle of water. He hops onto Sabertooth's side of the river

"I'm on one side", he says, then hops across, "I'm on ze other side".

He hops across again

"I'm on ze East bank", once more he hops over, "I'm on ze Vest bank".

He teleports so he is standing with one leg on either side of the 'river'

"Eet is not dat critical!".

"It's not de point", says Remy with a sniff, "It's de principle of de t'ing".

Sabertooth looks at him blankly for a second before nodding. Kurt takes this in, looking from Remy to Sabertooth

"Nice knowing you", he says simply, 'porting back to stand by Forge.

Remy and Sabertooth stand calmly for a second, Sabertooth flexing his big stick behind his back. Suddenly, they both put the stick out in front of them and begin to whack their opponents stick. With a big whack, they each break their sticks in half. They look at them before tossing one half away and continuing their battle, this time swinging them like lightsabers.

"If you even THINK about sayin' dat 'I am your father' line, I'm going to shove this bo staff where de sun don't shine", says Remy pointedly.

"Oooooh I'm soooooooo scared", growled Sabertooth, "Little Cajun ninny!"

Sabertooth fakes a blow to the head, which Remy guards and Sabertooth quickly bring the stick down on Remy's foot. Remy hops on one foot. They hit each others stick again, once again the stick breaks, becoming even smaller as they toss one half each away. They hit each others stick by holding it out in front of them as before, circling each other to a point where they have swapped sides on the bridge. Neither of them notice this as they circle back around and once again break their sticks in half. They both glance at their now tiny sticks, not much longer than a pencil. They get back into fighting stance and stare at each other.

"Okay, you overgrown kitty-cat, it's go time", says Remy.

Remy flicks his stick out, hitting Sabertooth in the knuckles.

"OWWWW!", whimpers Sabes, shaking his bruised knuckles.

Remy manages this move two more times before Sabertooth glares at him. Remy goes for a fourth and Sabertooth moves his hands away, Remy chooses instead to clonk Sabertooth on the head with his stick. Sabertooth falls off the bridge into the 'river'. Remy stands on the bidge, looking down at Sabertooth with his hands on his hips, laughing heartily

"Help me! I can't swim", screams Sabertooth, "I'M DROWNING!!!!

Sabertooth starts to panic, thrashing around in the tiny tiny TINY stream. Remy blinks before jumping onto the bank and pulling Sabertooth clear of the 'river'. Pyro watches this in amusement from the bank

"Meow meow", cries Sabertooth.

"There there, you're all right now", says Remy reasuringly, "who's a good kitty? Want some meow mix?"

Remy's eyes widen as Sabertooth pulls him into a bear hug

"Thank you, Remy", he sobs, "You saved my life!".

Remy desperately pats Sabertooth on the arm

"What?", asks Sabes, blinking at him.

Remy points to his head, which is burried somewhere in Sabertooth's arms

"Air!", he gasps out deesperately.

Sabertooth blinks and lets go of Remy

"I am in your debt", smiles Sabes

"Think nothing of it", wheezes Remy.

Kurt suddenly teleports up

"Hey, Remy, you okay?".

"Let me introduce you to his friends", says Remy to Sabes

He points to where Forge is standing by the horse

"Dat is Blinkin'".

Sabertooth waves at Forge, who waves back towards a different direction. Remy shakes his head, before pointing at Kurt.

"And dis is Achoo".

"Awww, bless you", says Sabes, slapping Remy on the back.

"Zat's my name, man", says Kurt with a shrug, "Achoo".

"Let me introduce you to my best friend", says Sabes, pointing at Pyro, "Will Scarlet".

"Scarlet's my middle name", says Pyro proudly, "My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara".

Remy and Kurt look at each other in confusion, before looking back at Pyro

"We're from Georgia", says Pyro with a shrug, despite his Austrailian accent.

"He's deadly with his daggers", says Sabertooth with a grin.

"Really?", says Remy, "How about a demonstration?"

"Gladly", grins Pyro, going back into the bushes, pulling out a bow and arrow.

"Vhat else do you have in there?", asks Kurt, arching a brow.

Pyro hands the bow and arrow to Remy and walks a little away

"Okay then", he says, poitnign at his eye, "Fire an arrow, straight in my eye".

Remy blinks.

"Are you serious?".

"Absolutely", grins Pyro.

He pulls out two daggers from his belt and twirls them around his fingers like a cowboy would his pistols. Remy blinks, before looking at Sabertooth, who grins and nods

"Okay", says Remy, pulling up the bow, "...goodbye".

He fires an arrow and Pyro moves the daggers in front of him quickly, the sound of a buzzsaw being the result. In seconds, the arrow is gone, the tip falling onto the floor harmlessly.

"Vhat part of Georgia are you from?!", squeaks Kurt, "South Central?".

Pyro smirks, blowing on his daggers and going to put them back in his belt, only to cut his trousers off.

"Oh holy mother of God!", says Jamie from backstage, "the Pyro fans-girls are going nuts! Throw some meat at them, before they get out of control!!"

"Well I haven't quite figured that part out yet!", says Pyro, looking around in fear slightly of his rabid fan girls.

".....Okay", replied Remy.

"Awww, I'm sorry the toll thing, Remy", says Sabertooth, "But, I mean, it's Prince Pie. He's taken our homes and everything we own. We've nothin' left".

"Not to worry, Little John", says Remy.

"Yes?", asks Pyro, looking up.

"Dis...is going to get confusing", says Remy, shooing the other John away, "Ahem. Even as we speak, Remy is forming a plan to make trouble for our friend Prince Pie and Rottingham.Tonight, Remy will crash de're party and give warning that de're are those who will fight to rid Bayville of de're tyrany".

"Good. We'll join ya!", grins Sabes.

"We will?", asks Forge.

Pyro and Kurt both nod and agree

"Non. Remy can't risk de lives of others. One man can get in more easily than half a dozen", says Remy, "Well, Remy must be off. Fair thee well, and Remy will see thee upon thy return".

"Is that the costume talking?", asks Pyro, wrinkling up his nose.

"More dan likely", nods Remy.

They wave him off as Remy runs towards the horse from behind. He goes to jump on it, only to fall off

"Ahhh, vhite men can't jump", says Kurt, shaking his head.

"As opposed to blue, furry men?", asks Jamie, "CUT!"

"Remy need medical assistance", whimpers Remy from the floor, "...now!".

------------

Bwhahaha! Another chapter done and dusted. Yup, I eddited the bo staff/stick/twig fight scene quite a bit, saved it from being a huge paragraph of nothing but action. Do review. Until next time...


	6. Crashing the party

Mutants in tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Now I know why they call it eternity. Everything here takes forever".

--------------

Act 6 - Crashing the party

-------------------

We go to night-time, where horses are going in the 'valet parking' of the castle. Hank gets off his horse and puts a object which resembles a bicycle lock over its head. He locks it and goes off into the castle, where a great banquet is being held inside, Warren is covered in white face paint and miming climbing a rope. Pie and Scott watch boredly, Pietro's mole has now moved to his upper left lip. Scott finally has enough

"Kill him!", says Scott.

Viper and Calisto walk forward to Angel with evil smirks

".....!!!!!", says Warren,

"No wait", says Pietro, "You know a mime is a terrible thing to waste".

Scott gives a disgruntled sigh

"But I wanted to pluck his feathers for that whole 'Christmas Incident'", he says moodily, "....fine!...Let him go".

Rogue suddenly walks down into the hall, all dressed up in finery. Everyone watches her and bows to her

"Ah could get used to this", grins Rogue

She walks over to the main table and goes to take a seat on the other side of Pietro

"Marian, you know our good Sheriff of Rottingham", he says, pointing at Scott.

"You look ravishing, my dear", he says, licking his lips and walking over to Rogue, who has a far away dreamy smile on her face

"Rogue, snap out of it!", yells Jamie

"He called me dear.....", sighs Rogue, then bliunks, "oh,.....sorry".

"You're supposed to hate him!", points out Jamie

"But he's soooooooo hot", whines Rogue

"Neh?", says Scott, blinking out of character

"Nothing", squeaks Rogue.

"It BETTER be nothing", shouts Jean from backstage.

Scott reaches Rogue's side of the table and smiles at her

"Please, allow me to help you to your seat", he says.

As he helps her sit down, he gives her gloved hand a kiss. Pietro watches this and grins

"Well, I must say that Prince Pie has spared no expense for tonights party", says Scott, "We have exotic foods from across the seas. Coconuts, bannanas and dates".

He picks up a bowl, containing dates

"Would you care for a date?", he asks, offering her the bowl

"Why, yes tha...", starts Rogue, reaching for a date

Scott laughs and pulls the bowl away

"How about next Thursday?", he says, "Ha ha ha".

"Ba dum bump bump", says Jamie.

Suddenly, Remy bursts in, carrying a dead pig on his shoulders

"Dis is...really, REALLY gross!", he grumbles, before smiling at the room, "Good evening".

He walks in and the guards behind the door slump to the floor, groaning

"That's him!", hisses Scott, "That's N'Orleans!".

From inside a little room, Tabby, Rahne, Danielle, Amanda and Storm all gasp in suprise. Remy walks up to the table happily

"Greetings, your highness", he says, then promptly drops the dead pig on the table in front of Pietro, who looks more than slightly grossed out

"You know", says Pietro, "....some people bring chocolates".

"A present, for you and your guests!", smiles Remy.

"That's a wild boar!", shouts Scott.

"Non, non. Dat's a wild pig", says Remy, pointing at the pig, then points at Pietro, "DAT'S a wild bore!".

"Funny!", shouts Pietro, slamming his fist on the table, "That's very amusing! So you're Remy of N'Orleans, huh?"

Remy makes a small bow while Rogue sighs at him

"Oh!", she says, "Ah've heard so much about you".

Remy looks at her before sitting on the table in front of her

"And you are...?", he prompts.

"Maid Marian", says Rogue.

"Ahhhhh. Maid Marian", says Remy with his charming smile, "Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice".

He kisses her gloved hand tenderly, while Scott begins to have the start of a silent hissy fit in the corner.

"Quite a smoothy. He's definately a smoothy", murmers Pietro.

Scott finally snaps and loses it, yelling at Remy

"ENOUGH!", he screams, "King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is?!!!!!".

"What?", asks Remy and Rogue in unison, blinking in confusion.

Scott takes a breath

"I mean... ", he says, "don't you know it is illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?!!".

"Is is not also illegal to sit in de kings throne and usurp his power in his absence?", asks Remy, starting to eat a date while the crowd gasps.

"Carefull Remy, you've gone to far", says Pietro in a sing song voice.

"Remy only just begun", says Remy, "I've come to warn you dat if you don't stop letting dese evil taxes, I will lead de good people of Bayville in a revolt against you".

Everyone gasps again

"And why should the people listen to you?", snorts Pietro

"Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods", says Remy, his lips moving out of synch with an obvious voice-over, "I can speak with an English accent"

"No you can't!. God, it's like a bad Japanese movie dub!", shouts Pietro, "To tell you the truth this guy is starting to get on my NERVES!".

"Worry not your highness", says Scott, "I shall dispose of this feathered upstart".

He walks over to Remy and takes off a glove

"I challenge you to a duel!", he says, slapping Remy's cheek with the glove as the crowd gasps.

"This crowd doesn't get out much, do they?", mutters Jamie.

Remy touches his face, before suddenly pulling out Forge's prosthetic arm from behind his back. He the promptly wacks Scott across the face with it, making a rather ominous metalic THUNK

"Gambit accepts", says Remy.

"That is going to cost you, N'Orleans!", snaps Scott, trying his best to stay concious.

"Please, put it on my bill", smirks Remy.

"So, it has come down to this, has it?", says Scott, squaring up to him, "A fight to the death. Mano a mano. Man to man. Just you and me and my GUARDS!".

Viper, Calisto and Amara come up on cue and surround Remy while Scott stands to the side. Remy fights them off with his bo staff, Lucas almost lands in Pietro, then gets up and goes back to the fight

"Check please, table one", says Pietro, waving his hand in the air.

Remy carries on fighting the guards, backing his way up some stairs. He notices a chandiler hanging from the celing above the guards he grins and charges up the rope, making it explode. A chandeler falls alright, right on top of Remy.

"Pain", whimpers Remy from the floor.

Suddenly Kurt, Sabertooth, Forge and Pyro burst in through the doors. Pietro hides behind the dead pig as the merry men attack, Forge holding onto the back of Sabertooth's belt and being dragged along. The guests all leave in a panic as Rogue swoons over the battle. In the small room, Tabby, Rahne, Danielle, Amanda and Storm are still watching. Gauntlet walks in and watches too....or rather watches down their tops

"Lots of ladies..skimpy clothing..I'm so happy", he sighs

The battle rages on and as Remy fights Calisto, Forge shows up by his side holding a tray with a beer mug on it

"Refreshment sire?", he asks.

"Ahh, thank you, Blinkin'", says Remny, taking the mug and drinking from it, using his other hand to fight off Calisto

"It sounds like we're winning, sire", points out Forge

"Indeed we are", nods Remy, giving the mug back to Forge, "Carry on!".

Over at the royal table, Scott shows up to hide behind the dead pig with Pietro

"Save me, save me", cries Pietro, "Hurt them, hurt them!".

"Yes, save them, save them. Hurt you, hurt you", says Scott, nodding, "Got it!".

Pietro looks at him in horror.

"I'm going to die!!!!"

As the battle rages on, Forge gives a war-cry and weilds his prosthetic arm, which has miraculously appeared on his body again, like a dangerous weapon, starting up the drill. The camera pans to show he is attacking a wooden pole. At a table, Amara is wrestling Remy to a table, he picks up a grapefruit

"Care for some, desert?", he asks, rubbing it in her face, making her fall back.

"IT BURNS IT BURNS!", she screams.

He ducks under the table when arrows fire at him. Once under there, he comes nose-to nose with Rogue, who is also hiding

"Maid Marian!", he says in suprise, "Tell Remy, do you believe in...love at first sight?".

"Depends on what ya looking at", says Rogue coyly.

"Well?", asks Remy.

"Yes. Yes. Yes", smiles Rogue.

"Bow chicka wow wow, bow chicha wow wow", says Jamie, then pauses, "I err...carry on"

They come within inches of kissing when a foot appears by them. Remy hits it with his Bo staff

"To be continued", says Remy, vanishing back into battle.

As Remy leaves, Wanda takes his place under the table

"My lipshen", she says, then pauses, "....wait....what's a lipshen?".

"I dunno", shrugs Rogue, "maybe it's a goat"

"Neh. I'm so glad i found you!", says Wanda, "Come on, this party's getting crashed".

Up on the stairs, Remy is still fighting. Forge has now reduced the 'deadly dangerous' pole into a tiny little splinter of a pole. Calisto goes to fire and arrow at Remy, and Pyro suddenly sends out his daggers, pinning her to the wall. He walks up to her and punches her, knocking her out. He takes his daggers back and watches her slide down the wall

"Am I good?", he asks, looking at the screen, then nods, "I'm good!".

At the table, Scott suddenly stand up

"Bar the doors! Don't let them get away!", shouts Scott, "Surround the great hall!".

"Now you're talking!", grins Pietro

Everyone pauses in battle and watches as the doors are barred and a whole load of knights in armor appear, surrounding the hall completely, clanging as they do so

"I hope it's worth the NOISE!", whines Pietro, holding his hands to his head.

Remy notices that his men are cornered by the door. He reaches for a rope that is near, depsite the era, a glowing EXIT sign

"We got him, we got him!", laughs Pietro evily.

Remy pulls on the rope carefully, glad that it supports his weight

"Ah ha! Right rope", he says with a nod.

He swings, Errol Flyn style, across the room. He knocks one of the guards, who falls into the guard in front, and so on, creating a very noisy domino effect throught the whole hall. Everyone cheers on, while Pietro looks ready to cry

"Look at this!", he whimpers, "We went from Royalty to recycling!".

The merry men and Remy are still surrounded to the door

"Little John, could you get the door?", asks Remy pleasantly.

"Alright", says Sabes, "I'll try".

As Sabertooth single-handedly picks up the bar over the door, Remy turns to the party

"Well, it's been a wonderfull party and we'd love to stay and all that, but I'm afraid we must dash", he says, "So ta ta".

All of them bow as Sabertooth tosses the bar over them, it hitting Lucas, Calisto and Amara and pinning them down. He blows Rogue a kiss, who pouts out her lips to catch it, only to have Wanda snap her hand in front of her face, catching the kiss

"No no no", scolds Wanda, then hold the 'kiss' to her chest, "this one's mine...MINE!!!".

Remy tips his hat to the crowd and they all leave

"Ewwwww I gotta wash pig guts off me!", cries Pietro, "this shirt is dry clean only!!!"

"My face hurts", says Scott, dazed, "Geez, Forge, what's that arm made of?".

"Stop complaining!", snaps Jamie, "or you'll get locked in the box again!"

-----------

Jamie's such a happy little dictator.....I mean..director. ANyway, this is my last update for a week, got exam week coming up..yippie. Luckily, after that I have 2 whole weeks off. TWO WEEKS! So, I shall get the 4th story in my pick on a group series up, Slugs and Snails, probably put it up by Friday night. Do review. Until next time...


	7. Training and tubs

Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I don't know about you, but i intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this".

----------

ACT 7 - Training and tubs

--------

We go to night-time in Bayville forest. Sabertooth, Pyro, Forge and Kurt are all standing on wooden stage, which Remy also climbs up on. In front of the stage are a handfull of characters

"I sent word throught Bayville to send us the best men..and women they had", says Sabes proudly, gesturing to the Bayvillians, "....and these are 'em!".

Remy looks at the group. They all talk boredly to themselves, as Freddy picks his nose and wipes it on his jacket

"Uhhhhh...", says Remy, "We're in alot of trouble".

He steps forward to the front of the stage to address them

"Good people, who have traveled all over Bayville, lend me your ears!".

They look at him for a second before each pulling off one of their own ears and tossing it at him, resulting in Remy being bombared with ears

"Dat is discusting", mutters Remy, before clearing his throat, "Hear me. Men the likes of Prince Pie and Rottingham should be stopped!".

"Yeah!", agree the Bayvillians enthusiastically.

"Stopped from taxing us into property!", shouts Remy

"Yeah!", they reply

"Stopped from taking from us what is rightfully ours!".

"Yeah!".

"If we stand up to dem, all together as one", says Remy, "we can win de day!".

"Yeah!", shout the Bayvillians

"We shall go on to de end. We shall not flag or fail", says Remy, then begins to ramble...again, "We shall fight on de seas and oceans. We shall defend our isle...town whatever de cost may be. We shall never surrender. Den they shall say of us, never have so many, done so much, for so few".

"Churchill ripoff", mutters Kurt.

Loud snoring can be heard as the group falls asleep

"That was beautifull...", says Forge with a sigh, then frowns, "What's going on?".

"They're asleep", says Kurt, sighing and walking over to Remy, "Tough room. Vhy don't you let me give eet a try?".

"...Okay", says Remy, stepping back.

Kurt nods, standing on the front of the stage. He pulls out a huge pair of glasses, putting them on his face, making his yellow eyes look huge. He shakes his head, crossing his arms.

"Look at yourselves!", he snaps, causing the Bayvillians to snap awake, "Go ahead, take a look around!".

The group look at each other rather blankly

"Oh people of Bayville you've been had!", says Kurt

"Yeah!", says the crowd

"Hookvinked!".

"Yeah!".

"Bamboozled!".

"Yeah!".

"Run amuck!".

"Yeah!".

"Ve didn't land on Bayville Forest", says Kurt, "Bayville Forest landed on us!".

"...That must have been painfull", muses Bobby.

"Yeah!", shout the group, ignoring him.

Remy steps back forward, thanks Kurt then addresses the group again

"Brother Achoo is right", he says, "And Gambit say we fight back!".

"Yeah!", shout the group.

"Are you with me, yey or negh?!", asks Remy

The group pause for a second

"Eerrrrr...which one means yes?", asks Ray, holding up a hand.

Remy looks at the group before sighing

"Yey", he moans.

"Yey!", shout the group.

We skip to morning, where the rookies are lining up by some tables, collecting their gear as the Merry Mutants pass them out

"Grab your uniforms and equipment and prepare for de training sequence", grins Remy

"Alright ladies and gentlemen", says Forge from his uniform table, "grab your feathered hats, flairs, tie-dye shirts, platform shoes, mood ri..".

"FORGE!", shouts Jamie, throwing a shoe at him.

"What?", asks Forge inocently, "they need to be grooved up a bit".

"This is the middle-ages, not the seventies!", snaps Jamie, waving his hands in the air, "Chimps, I am working with chimps!".

"Fine then! Huh, I was just trying to put a bit of style in the story, seesh", mutters Forge, then continues in monotone, "Grab your boring Robin Hood gear, boots, swords, quivers, and pantyhose".

We go to an archery field, the targets are lined up and Remy is TRYING to teach the rookies archery

"Now, people, de object of dis exercise is to hit de target", he says, rolling his eyes, "...duh".

He lets loose an arrow, which hits the bullseye. The rookies are amazed, then go to try it themselves. Ray can't reach the arrow pouch on his back to get his arrows. Remy watches this for a while, then turns to the camera, stares at it for a while, then looks back at the scene

"Humf", says Remy, with a slightly bemused chuckle.

Ray, having got his arrow, tries to fire, only to drop his quiver, Roberto's quiver flies back in his face, Bobby shoots his backwards, and a groan from Kelly is heard, Sam snaps his quiver in half and Freddy bends the whole thing out of shape. We move to another field, where Pyro and the rookies are on horses, Remy and the others watching

"Now, people, I want you to keep your eye on Will, and do exactly as he does", he says, then pauses to consider, "...except for de manical laughing....and de random burnings".

Pyro gives a manical laugh, then has his horse gallop towards where several dummy jousters are standing. He manages to knock his dummy off the horse with no problem. The Merry Mutants cheer him while the Rookies scoff

"That's not so hard", snorts Tabby, "we can do that!".

The other Rookies agree with her. Pyro rides up to the Merry Mutants, and Remy puts a biscuit in his mouth

"Good boy", says Remy, patting Pyro on the head, "Ready men? CHARGE!".

The Rookies charge for the dummies, every one of the Rookies being knocked off their horses. Remy puts his head in his hands, trying not to cry

"Man, Remy, maybe ve should just take ze dummies into battle", mutters Kurt.

Remy laughs, then pauses, stroking his goatee thoughtfully. We go to the castle, where, once again, Scott walks into a room

"Sir, I must speak with you!", says Scott.

Pietro, who's mole is now on his left cheek, is lounging around naked in the bathtub, four happy looking women using pipes to blow bubbles into it, making it a jacusi

"Damn it, did I HAVE to be naked in this scene?", he mutters, then looks at the women, "And who ARE these people?".

"Ali, Shel, Azi, and Layla happen to be good RPG buddies of Todd Fan", says Jamie with a nod, "Oh, Scott, Layla wants you to get naked for her after, room seventeen".

He points to where Lay waves flirtatiously at Scott, trying to prize Shel off his arm at the same time

"Oh.....kay", says Scott with a nervous laugh as Ali and Azi fight over who gets to towel Pietro off later.

Scott walks up to the bathtub, before backing away

"Can you rearange your bubble bath bubbles please?", he whimpers, covering his visor.

"Sorry", coughs Pietro, putting a toy submarine in a very helpfull place.

Scott looks at the bubbling tub before sniffing.

"What are you smelling?", asks Pietro, "These aren't MY bubbles, they're from the pipes!".

"Your majesty, I have terrible news", sighs Scott.

"What?", snaps Pietro.

"Strucky had N'Orleaned again", says Scott gravely.

Pietro blinks.

".....What?".

"N'Orleans has struck again", sighs Scott

Pietro sighs and looks at the pipe-blowers

"I need a little privacy, so you guys can blow".

The pipe-blowers blow harder on their pipes

"Not blow", he snaps, "blooow".

The pip-blowers are forceably moved away by Jamie

"Am I right to feel weird about sitting in the same room as a naked Pietro?", asks Scott.

"Why?", asks Pietro, "....do you feel weird?".

"I don't think we shoud be having this conversation", says Scott pointedly.

"You started it, I'm not ashamed of my beautifull body", says Pietro with a sniff.

"Stop it!", screams Scott, covering his ears.

"Just read the script!", snaps Jamie.

"I'm so depressed", whimpers Pietro.

"Your majesty, come with me and I will show you something that will make you VERY happy!", grins Scott.

"...Ok", says Pietro, blinking, "....now I feel weird".

"I'd like to get this scene done before lunch!", cries Jamie

"Fetch the royal robe!", orders Scott, before pausing, "Majesty, stop me if I'm wrong about this...but wasn't your mole....on the other side?".

Pietro stares at him in horror

"I have a MOLE?!!!!".

We move to outside, where Scott is sitting on a catapult next to a pile of rocks, Pietro watching

"What is it?", asks Pietro, cocking his head at it.

"It's what we've named a 'stealth catapult'", says Scott proudly, "We've been working on it secretly for months".

"No you haven't!", comes Forge's voice from backstage, "You stuck me in a tiny little room with some wood and stones and told me I couldn't eat or sleep until I'd made it!".

"Heh heh", says Scott nervously, "It can hurl one of these heavy boulders UNDETECED over a hundred yards completely destroying anything it hits".

"That...really doesn't sound 'stealthy'", points out Jamie.

"What did you expect with wood and rocks?", snaps Forge, "A star-ship?!!!".

"Wow, how does it work?", asks Pietro.

"It's quite simple really", says Scott, "You just take one of these heavy rocks, put it here where I'm sitting and then pull on that lever?".

"...Wile E Coyote syndrome coming up", grins Jamie

"You mean like this?", asks Pietro.

With a tiny look of glee in his face, he pulls the lever, catapulting Scott into the air. We cut into Jean's lair, where she is kneeling by her bed, praying

"Oh dear lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love....", she sighs

Suddenly, Scott falls through the ceiling, landing on the bed. Jean binks, before looking up

"Thank you", she grins.

She makes a purrring sound and climbs onto the bed, straddling the panicking Scott

"Ooooooh let me work my magic on you", she purrs.

"No no no..I", stammers Scott, "I've got a headache, I've got a headache!".

He struggles free and runs off, leaving Jean on the bed

"Ooooooooohhhhh BUGGER!", she snaps, pinching her thumb and forefinger together, "I was THAT close, I touched it!".

"We are done!", grins Jamie.

"Good, now where did Scott go?", asks Jean, "Honey?".

"Scott has left the building", says Scott, ".....he's not here....I'm his stand in...please leave me alone".

"It's the ugly make-up, isn't it?", whimpers Jean, "I HATE you!".

"Awww, young love", sighs Jamie.

-----------


	8. A rabbi and a plot

Mutants in tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Puff up, puff up, they hate that".

-

ACT 8 - A Rabbi and a plot.

-

We go to Bayville forest, where Todd is sitting on a cart, filled with wine barrels, being pulled by a donkey

"How on EARTH did I end up bein' a Rabbi!", he mutters, "...I 'aint exactly the most holy of people, ya know".

"Please, just talk to the donkey", sighs Jamie.

"I don't like the way ya walkin'", Todd says, then points accusingly at the donkey, "Ya've been inta the sacremental wine again, yer fershiket!...what's a fershiket? Ya drunken mule you!".

His cart turns a corner and is greeted by the Merry Mutants

"Halt dere mon ami", he says, striking a pose, "You have just entered de teritory of Remy LeBeau and his Merry Mutants".

Todd looks at Remy standing on a rock, then at the Merry Men around him, all dressed in tights

"Fagelers?", he asks, jiggling his hand

The Merry Mutants mutter and dust themselves off, taking a few steps away from each other

"Non, non", says Remy, clearing his throat, "we're straight, just..Merry".

"...Merry huh?...okay, where's the alcohol...or the happy gas?", asks Todd, then arches a brow, "An' who might you be, with your exceptionally long feather in your hat?".

"I am Remy Of N'Orleans", says Remy with a bow.

"Remy Of N'Orleans?", smirks Todd, "I've just come from Maid Marian, the lady who's heart you stole, you prince of theives you. I knew her mother an' father before they were taken by the plauge, Lord an' Lady..errr...McCoy".

"I'm a father now?", asks Hank

"Why am I always related to blue an' fuzzy people!", wails Rogue.

"Vas vrong vith being blue and fuzzy?", whimpers Kurt.

"Let's deal with family issues later, huh?", sighs Jamie, "I'm not bloody Jerry Springer"

"Ya know, ya were meant fer each other, you an' Maid Marian", points out Todd, "What a combination. N'Orleans an' McCoy, can't miss!".

"Am I the only person who finds that...wrong?", murmers Hank.

"And who are you, sir?", asks Remy

"I am Rabbi Tuckman", says Todd, "Proveyer of sacremental wine an' moyer extrordinaire".

"Ello Rabbi", say the Merry Mutants.

Todd lifts his hat, complete with Rabbi hair

"Ello boyes".

"Moyer...", Remy frowns, "I don't believe I ever heard of dat profession".

"Moyer, he's a very important guy!", grins Todd, "He makes circumcisions".

"And, what pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?", asks Pyro, then blinks, "...do I really want to know?".

"It's the latest rage, the ladies love it!", says Todd with a nod.

All the Merry Mutants start to ask for one, Sabertooth even asks for two

"Gambit's game, how's it done?", asks Remy.

"It's a snap", says Todd, reaching into his cart, pulling out a desk-top guilotene and a carrot

"That...really doesn't look good", says Kurt, turning a paler shade of blue.

"What?...what's he got?", asks Forge, turning his head from side to side.

"I take my little machine, I take ya little thing, see", says Todd, placing the carrot into the guilotene, "I put it inta this little hole here and...".

He chops the end of the carrot off with the guilotene

"Snip the tip!".

"That...didn't sound nice", whimpers Forge.

"Be glad your temporary blind", says Pyro

The Merry Mutants shuffle around uncomfortably

"Who's first?", asks Todd cheerfully.

Sabertooth grabs Pyro in front of him as a human shield

"I've changed me mind", he cries

"I forgoten, I've already got one", says Kurt with a nervous laugh.

Forge starts to raise his hand

"Question".

Kurt quickly puts it down to stop him from asking

"I gotta work on a much younger crowd", says Todd, then grins, "...ba dum bum".

"Rabbi, you seem to be on de side of good. Will you join us and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council and perhaps", Remy grins, "...some of your wine?".

The Merry Mutants perk up at the though of alchohol

"Beeeeeer!", sings Sabertooth

"It's vine you idiot!", says Kurt, rolling his eyes.

"Wisdom an' council, that's easy", says Todd, "But this is sacremental wine, it's only used to bless things".

The Merry Mutants become downhearted..no alchohol for them...

"Wait a minute!", says Todd, feeling sorry for them, "There's things here!. There's trees, there's birds, there's rocks, there's squirrels. Lets bless them all until we get fershinkened, join me!".

"What's fershinkened?", asks Pyro

Who cares, were getting booze!", says Sabertooth happily.

"Lets hear it for de Rabbi!", shouts Remy.

The Merry Mutants cheer and start to off load the drink from the cart. Meanwhile, we go back to the castle. In a room by a table sits Scott, on the other side of the table sits Piotr, with Lockheed in this lap. On either side of Piotr stand Lance and Logan

"Good evening Don Rasbutin", says Scott.

Piotr says something in Russian, petting Lockheed on the head like Dr Evil would Mr Biddelseworth

"...Yes", says Scott, blinking, "it was very good of you to come on such short notice".

Piotr shrugs

"And all the way from Russ", Scott pauses, "...Jersey".

Piotr gives Jamie a cold, hard glare before sighing

"Well, it is quite a drive", he says modestly.

"You do realise that Prince Pie expressely commanded that this be a secret meeting?", points out Scott, gesturing to Lance and Logan, "I mean, who are these men?".

"These are my trusted assosiates", says Piotr, "On my right, Loganario"

Logan is puffing on a cigar and some bandit music plays

"On my left, Lanciuka", Piotr says, pointing at Lance

Lance leans over the table at Scott

"We-thank-you-for-inviting-us-on-the-day-of-your-daughters-wedding", says Lance in monotone, "I-hope-her-first-child-is-a-masculine-child".

"Shut up, we did not even have our meeting yet", snaps Piotr.

Lance blinks and sits down

"Geez, how many times are people gonna make me rip off that movie?", complains Lance, "I mean, do I LOOK the part or something!".

"Okay, I am understaning that you have been bothered by this fruit, Remy LeBeau", says Piotr, "And you want Remy rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed?".

"Yes, you put it sucsinctly", says Scott, then coughs, "...a word that Todd Fan doesn't know how to spell and can't find it in any dictonary..maybe it doesn't really exist"

"Suc...what?", asks Piotr, blinking.

"Sucsinctly", says Scott, "it means perfectly".

"Uh..yeah, I knew that".

He crunches a few nuts in a bowl and eats them

"Can I have some?", asks Lance hopefully.

Piotr blinks at him.

"...No".

"Excuse me, Don Rasbuitin", says Scott, "...your lizard..seems limp".

"At my age, you know, sometimes", says Piotr, then blinks, "...oh my lizard!. No no, he's just sleeping, that's all. Lockheed, Lockheed, wake up".

He tickles Lockheed under the chin and Lockheed purrs

"Lockheed...I could have been someobody, I could have been beink a contender", Piotr grimaces, holding the dragon at arms length, "God, he's got bad breath".

"Be glad you don't have to live in the same house as him", mutters Scott.

Lockheed pees on Piotr's hand

"That was NOT in my contract", cries the Russian, "...eew, that is really, really gross".

"LINE!", screams Jamie

"He got excited", says Piotr, then sighs, "...now I am going to smell of dragon pee all day".

Piotr leans over and wipes his hand on Logan's motorbike jacket. Logan stares at Piotr in a way sugesting that he will have a long painfull death later

"Now normally, I would have been so happy at offering service to you", says Piotr, "But there is something that is weighing very heavily on my heart. In the years we have been beink friends, Bayville and Russia...".

"Jersey", says Jamie

"Sorry, Jersey", says Piotr, "never once have you invited me to your home, for coffee and cake, or gornoore, or something".

"Gor what?", asks Scott, confused.

"Gornoore", says Piotr, "it is a pastry with stuffink and it had the stuffink on it and had the sprinkels, mmm".

"Huh?", asks Lance, then whimpers, "...wait..Kitty didn't make it...did she?"

"Excuse me, I don't understand a word you're saying", says Scott.

"No, I am just coming back from the dentists", says Piotr, pulling cottonballs out of his mouth, "he left in the cottonballs".

Piotr hands them to Lance

"Ewwwww, those have been in your mouth!", grimaces Lance

"Ah hem!", snaps Jamie, tapping his foot and pointing to his watch.

"I-wiil-take-these-cottonballs-from-you-with-my-hand-and-put-them-in-my-pocket", says Lance, doing so.

Piotr shakes his head at Lance, rolling his eyes

"Your other associate says very little", says Scott

Logan shifts from foot to foot

"Well, my other associate says nothing", says Piotr

"And why is that?".

"Because, my enemy cut out his tounge", says Piotr simply.

"GOOD GRIEF!", shouts Scott, "why?".

"Because he went like this", says Piotr, then waves his hands, sticking out his tounge, "neh neh neh neh neh!".

"Logan...", Scott snorts, "did that?"

The room errupts into a fit of laughter, both on-stage and off. Logan crosses his arms and growls

"Come over here", says Piotr, gesuring him over.

Logan leans forward with a sigh

"Go like this", says Piotr, clicking his tounge, then laughs as Logan steps back with a scowl, "He can not do it!. I am loving to tease him!".

"Tell me Don Rasbuitin", says Scott, "What do you intend to do about Remy LeBeau?".

"Listen to this. I have got an idea", says Piotr, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow you are going to have your mid-evil fun and games. You are to make the archery event the most important contest, Remy will not be being able to resist".

"Why is that?", asks Scott.

"Will dere be naked dancing ladies dere for Remy?", asks Remy from backstage

"We'll-make-him-an-offer-he-can't-refuse", says Lance.

"Dere WILL be naked dancing ladies?", asks Remy with a squeal of delight

"I was just going to say that", says Piotr moodily, tossing the nuts at Lance

"Oww", says Lance, "...my eye".

"That's briliant!", grins Scott

"No", says Lance, "it really, really hurt!".

"No you", snaps Scott, "the idea!".

"Thank you", grins Piotr.

"But, you do realise that Remy is the finest archer in all the land?", says Scott.

"Oh no, don't you undertand?", says Piotr, "Lanciuka is good, better, best. Show him your archery medals".

Lance stands up and opens his coat, which is covered by medals, which let off an amazing glow

"This coat weighs a ton", mutters Lance, "..by the way".

"Ta da", says Piotr proudly.

"Wow wee!", says Scott in amazement.

"I couldn't have been saying it better myself", says Piotr, "Now, Lanciuka beats Remy at the archery contest and then Loganario makes Remy no more".

Logan pulls out a crossbow from his pocket

"No more?", asks Scott.

"Okaay, you are wanting it in plain English?", asks Piotr, "Remy is goink to be dead. D-E-D, dead!".

"That's not how you spell...", starts Scott.

"D-E-D: DEAD!", growls Piotr.

Scott whimpers in fear before clinking wine glasses with Piotr, both of them laughing evilily. On the balcony above them, Rogue has heard all of this. She runs into her room, clapping on the lights, and pokes a sleeping Wanda

"Broomhilde", she says, "Broomhilde, wake up!".

"Ugh?", mutters Wanda, opening an eye

"There's a foul plot afoot!", whispers Rogue.

"It's not my feet", protests Wanda, "I just washed them!".

"No, Prince Pie and the Sheriff have hired men to kill Remy!", cries Rogue, "We must warn them imediately!".

Rogue goes to leave, only to have Wanda stop her

"Wait, my Lady", says Wanda, "if Prince Pie should see us..I'D HEX HIS ASS!"

"Wanda...no hexing", sighs Jamie

"You're right", frowns Rogue, "...we'll go out the back!".

She runs to the balcony

"Lady?", she calls, "...I can't believe I'm about to throw myself off a balcony"

"Don't try this at home, kids!", grins Jamie.

She slings herself over the balcony and drops off, landing on a horse which has just trotted over.

"Broomhilde, I'm going on ahead, catch me u", she says, "Come on Lady".

As she trots off Wanda whistles.

"Fratrickfrugen!".

Another horse trots up and Wanda pulls herself over the balcony, complete with all her padding

_She's got to be kidding, _says the horse

As Wanda drops, the horse steps to the side, so Wanda hits the pavement, leaving a huge crack

"Thank God for all the padding!", mutters Wanda, standing up, looking the horse in the eyes, "If I was you, I would NEVER do that again. Any questions?".

The horse shakes his head

"Good", says Wanda, climbing on as they gallop off after Rogue.

-

Ther we go, another act down! For those that don't know, Lockheed is a cannon character, he's Kitty's pet dragon. As seen as the next act is so short, I put it up now, so click onwards, you lucky, lucky people.


	9. Tights are fun to wear!

Mutants in tights

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I left my handbag in the underworld".

-

ACT 9 - Tights are fun to wear!

-

We go to Bayville Forest at night. As Remy rides into the Merry Men's camp, he see's Forge standing on the watch tower, holding a hand to his ear

"Blinkin'", says Remy, forwning, "what are you doing up dere?".

"Guessing.", says Forge, "I...guess no one's coming".

"Please come down from dere", says Remmy, tehn adds under his breath, "...twit".

"Don't call me a twit!", shouts Forge, "I'm smarter than you could ever be".

Remy shakes his head and rides off, Forge head to the exit of the watch tower

"Well..I guess there's a ladder around here somewhere..., he mutters.

He finally finds it, and after much moving around swings out of the tower, only to knock the ladder down, he reaches out for the non-existant ladder, only to frail around in mid air before falling to the ground with a thud

"I can't feel my right arm, I can't feel my right arm!", he screams from the ground

"Oh no! I broke Forge! Todd Fan's gonna kill me!", whimpers Jamie, then blinks, "...hey...wait a minute".

"Heh heh heh", chuckls Forge.

"That was sooooo not funny!", sulks Jamie.

Forge picks himself up and dusts himself off before pausing

"I CAN SEE!", he says, moving to run joyfully...headlong into a tree

"Nope, I was wrong", Forge sighs, walking off.

We go to another part of the camp, where Pyro and Sabertooth leave 'ye-olde-port-a-privy's'...seperate ones...not the same one...

"Thanks alot!", grumbles Sabertooth.

"Yeah, they probably wouldn't have thought any different if you hadn't said that", whines Pyro, "now you've given them the idea!".

"Just get on with it", snaps Jamie, "what is it, slack off day!".

"Blimey, these are hard to get on", says Sabertooth, "Let's face it, you gotta be a man to wear tights. Will, how are my seams?".

"Do I have to look?", asks Pyro

"No, just say the line", sighs Jamie.

"Perfect", says Pyro, not looking

"Everytime!", grins Sabertooth proudly.

He and Pyro high-five each other and music starts up, all the other Merry Mutants show up too and start to dance and sing.

**We're mutants, mutants in tights**

**We roam around Bayville looking for fights.**

As the group do a punch swipe in unison, Sabertooth has to duck from being hit by Forge, then has to steady him before he falls over

**We're mutants, mutants in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right.**

As the four main merry mutants lean on each other's back in front, Sabertooth has to turn Forge around so he's leaning the right way, all done while still singing.

**We may look like sissys**

**But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights. **

As they punch forward, Forge punches to the side, hitting Pyro in the face

"Geeez, you have one hell of a right hook!", says Pyro, stumbling a little.

**We're mutants, mutants in tights**

**Always on guard defending the peoples rights.**

They all get into a can-can line as they sing

**La la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la**

**Lalalalalalala**

**We're mutants, tough mutants**

**Mutants in tights, yeah!**

**We roam around Bayville looking for fights.**

As the main four start to move to the side, Sabertooth is once again forced to grab Forge to pull him in the right direction

**We're mutants, mutants in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor that's right.**

**We may look like pansies**

**But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights. **

This time Sabertooth gets smaked in the face by Forge

"Boy am I glad for my healing factor", he mutters as they sing

**We're mutants, mutants in tights**

**Tight tights**

**Always on guard defending the peoples rights**

**When your in a fix just call for the men in tights.**

**We're butch!**

"Cut!", says Jamie happily.

"Okay, now I get ta kill blinky joe!", snaps Sabertooth, starting after Forge.

"Not until I;ve finished burning him", says Pyro.

"Help!", cries Forge, running away.

-

There we go, two acts for the price of one! Do review. Until next time...


	10. Can't fight the moonlight

Mutants in Tights - A Parody of a Parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Maybe I should call you a cab. Although, it's gonna be hard to find one that will go to hell this time of night".

-

ACT 10 - Can't fight the moonlight

-

Still in the Merry Mutants camp, Rogue and Wanda ride in on their horses

"Marian", smiles Remy happily

He walks over to her and holds out his arms to help her off her horse. Rogue happily jumps into them

"Mmmmm...", she sighs, "Kitty was right, you DO have strong arms".

Wanda sighs sadly from her horse and Sabertooth walks over as Remy did

"Here allow me", he says with a fanged grin

"Thank you", says Wanda, jumping into Sabertooth's arms, but the padding is too much and Sabertooth falls to the floor, Wanda on top of him

"Puurrrrrr", says Wanda

"I think I'm a little old fer you", whimpers Sabertooth

"Honey bee", asks Todd, "...what are ya doin'?".

"You're so sweet, is there anything I can do for you?", asks Wanda

Sabertooth looks more than slightly paniked as she stokes his side

"Yeah...you can get off me".

Wanda gives Sabertooth a glare that would melt an ice-berg before getting up and storming off

The other Merry Mutants have a laugh at this

"Little John!", chides Remy

"I didn't DO anything and", Pyro blinks, "...oh...him".

"I panicked!", whimpers Sabertooth, "I don't want adultery on my list of offenses..thank you".

"Darling", says Remy, turning to Rogue, "why have you come here?".

"What?. A'h can't just pop by to visit my man?", snaps Rogue, before frowning, "...a'h've come to warn you. Prince Pie and Rottingham have hired murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go!".

"Well..dats easy", says Remy with a shrug, "Remy won't".

"A'h so happy...man, that sounds cheesy!", says Rogue, "They were going to try and lure ya'll there by having an archery contest".

She and Remy close in for a kiss, when Remy suddenly turns his head away, thinking)

"So glad I missed out on dat coma", says Remy, before smiling, "An archery contest?".

"Their archer is unbeatable!", says Rogue.

Remy stokes his goatee in thought, then blinks as some hair comes off it

"Remy's goatee isn't well", he whimpers.

"I'm not surprised", says Forge, "the amount of times you stroke the thing".

"At least Remy got a proper goatee", says Remy, "instaed of dat dinky t'ing on your chin".

"You leave my love patch alone!", snaps Forge,

"Will you two STOP IT!", screams Jamie.

"Reeaaaaallly?", ponders Remy.

"Ugh, ya'll worse than Pietro with the competition thing, what IS it with men and their need to prove their masculinity?", mutters Rogue, "Promise you won't go!".

"Ok, I promise you wont go", says Remy with a nod

"Thank you...", says Rogue, then pauses, looking slightly confused

"Hey, vait a minute Remy", says Kurt, "you said..."

"Cooooool it", says Remy through gritted teeth as he kisses Rogue's gloved hand

"Chilled", says Kurt.

Remy and Rogue smile before going off on their own

"De night is young and you're so beautifull", he says, "...B flat".

Rogue blinks, then Remy suddenly bursts into song, making her jump

**De night is young and you're so beautifull**

"You tryin' to give me a heart attack!", snaps Rogue as he keeps singing.

**Here among de shadows, beautifull lady**

**Open your heaaaarrrt**

As Remy seranades Rogue, the Merry Mutants gather on the other side of a sheet, which is spliting the pair from the rest of the camp, making Rogue and Remy seem like shiloettes

"Popcorn?", asks Kurt, handing some to Pyro as Remy continues to sing.

**De scene is set **

**De breezes sing of it**

**Can't you get into de swing of it lady**

**When do we start?**

**When de lady is kissable**

Kurt, Forge, Sabertooth and Pyro start to act as background singers

_**Ooooooh ooooooh ooooooohhhh**_

Rogue blinks, looking around for where the backing vocals are coming from, while Remy swings her hands in his

**And de evening is cold**

_**Oooooooooh ooooh ooooohhhh**_

**Any dream is permisable**

The other Merry Mutants start to sway to the beat

**In de heart of a voooooooo...**

He gasps for beath

_**Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

**De moon is high and you're so glamourous**

**And if I see more varamous lady**

_**Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh**_

**What can I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?**

This line causes a small gust of wind to blow Rogue's crown off her head She grabs it, grinning stupidly as she fits it back on.

**De night is young and I'm in love with yoooooooooouuuuuuu!.**

On the other side of the screen, Remy's sword looks likes something very, VERY different, and the Merry Mutants cheer and egg Remy on. Remy pulls down the sheet and the Merry Mutants give a disapointed sigh, seeing it was only the sword. The pair walk off again

"A whole damn forest and STILL no privacy!", snaps Rogue

"Oh my dearest. Remy ready for dat kiss now", he says, then pauses, "...please don't put Remy into a coma".

"But first, I must warn you...", says Rogue, holding up a finger.

"Gambit knows about de life-absrobing t'ing chere...", points out Remy.

"Shut up!", snaps Rogue, "It could only be a kiss, for I am a virgin...and will be forever because of my power!"

Rogue suddenly drops to the floor and starts to cry

"Wait...this isn't in the script", says Jamie, flipping through pages.

"A'h hate m'h life...I'm depressed now" sobs Rogue, storming off, "a'hm going to ma'h trailer!".

"But...we haven't finished shooting!...damn it", snaps STAND IN!".

"Oh non!", cries Remy as Mystique dances in, transforming into Rogue

"Ahem. And could never go..all the way", says 'Rogue;

Yeah...right, since when?", snorts Forge

"Shut up you!", hisses 'Rogue', shooting a glare at Forge.

"But...", starts Remy

"Unless of course, a'h were married", says 'Rogue', "Or if a man pledged his endless love to me".

"Funny, all I needed ta say was 'Ya fancy a quick one?' and you were game", says Sabertooth.

"Qui...", tries Remy, grimacing at the mental image.

"Or if a'h knew he desprately cared for me", says 'Rogue', then thinks, "...or if he were really cute".

"You're shivering!. Are you cold?", says Remy, shutting her up, "What are you wearing underneath dat cape?".

"Practically nothing", purrs 'Rogue'.

Remy sighs and goes to hug her, followed by a metalic thunk, Remy giving a groan of pain

"Oh...except that", says 'Rogue', "A'h forgot to tell ya'll about ma'h chastity belt...it's an Everlast".

"...I'll bet", whimpers Remy, "little Remy, speak to me!"

"Oh darling, don't despair for it is written on a scoll...", says 'Rogue'

They both look out into the void, signifiying something of importance)

"What are we looking at?", whispers Remy.

"One day he who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my" 'Rogue' pauses for effect, "...virginty".

Sabertooth and Forge collapse in a fit of laughter.

"Okay, from now on, ex-boyfriends have NO opinion!"., hisses 'Rogue', "I'll kill you both while you're sleeping!"

"Oh Marian", sighs Remy, "if only it t'were Remy".

"Wow, you pulled off the English accent!", says 'Rogue', Oh if t'were you, it t'wd be t'wererific!".

They lean in to kiss

"Achtung!", saps Wanda, "No dingding without the Wedding ring".

They sigh, looking down, then try again

"Eh bepbepbepbep!", says Wanda.

"Gambit...kinda glad, somet'ing wrong about kissing de mother of de love of your life", mutters Remy

'Rogue' gets on her horse

"Goodbye, my dearest.", Remy sighs

'Rogue' waves and then she and Wanda ride off, leaving Remy waving like an idiot

"Too-ta-loo" says Remy, "Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai".

"CUT!", shouts Remy.

"Good", growls Mystique, "'cause I know two men who REALLY want to die!"

"Run away!", cries Sabertooth.

-

Heh heh, madness. Forge and Sabertooth have both dated Mystique in the comics before now (obviously, not at the same time), if you didn't get that gag ;) Do review. Until next time...


	11. The archery contest

Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell"

-

ACT 11 - The archery contest

-

We go to the annual spring fair of Bayville, where the residents of Bayville are bustling around, enjoying themselves. We zoom in on where Sabertooth, Kurt, Forge and Pyro are walking around dressed as women...despite the fact that 3 out of 4 of them have very obvious facial hair. Kurt mutters to himself in German

"For the love of...what's wrong now", says Pyro, glaring at him.

"I should have never vorn these shoes", moans Kurt"They don't match my purse...or my tail".

"You obviously have some issues ta work through", mutters Sabertooth.

Pyro rolls his eyes, then notices that Forge's fake boobs are both on one side

"Blinkin, fix your boobs", he hisses"you look like a bleedin' Picasso".

Forge pats his chest

"Oh...well I'm sorry", he snaps"but I'm not well practised in the art of dressing as a woman".

The group move on, trying to act feminine...and failing, badly. We go to where Captain America is tossing snacks at the crowd. Up on the royal stand, Omega Red and Dr Petronette blow trumpets on either side of Pietro's ear, who's mole has moved to the right hand side of his chin, making him wince. Hank steps forward, compaining about his miniscule part in the whole production

"First I'm Rogue's father, now this", he says, then announces"THE ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! ARCHERS TAKE YOUR PLACES".

Pietro groans and holds his head, then sits down as various archers get lined up. Among then is Lance, and a very suspicious looking old man...with red-on-black eyes. Scott takes his seat next to Pietro

"Are we...'prepared'", asks Pietro.

"Have all the snacks right here", grins Scott, then blinks"...oh that... yes sire".

He waves rather stupidly into the distance. In a tower, we see Logan nod and silently put together a crossbow

"Oooooooh coolies", grins Pietro"Can we make fun of him later".

"Not unless you want to be decapitated", says Scott.

"ARCHERS, TO THE LINE", shouts Hank"READY, AIM...WAIT FOR IT...FIRE".

The archers shoot at the target, only two arrows hitting the bullseye

"THE TWO ARCHERS WHO HIT THE BULLSEYE CAN STAY, THE REST OF GENTLEMEN YOU CAN BUGGER OFF", Hank gives a squeak"...my throat is getting rather sore".

"Do I look like I care", asks Jamie"'cause I really don't"

Scott watches as only Lance and the suspicious red-on-black-eyed old man are left. He grabs Pietro arm, who swats him off

"No touching", snaps Pietro"you're so touchy, you need to get that seen to"

"There he is", says Scott, ignoring him"The old man is N'Orleans".

"Are you sure", asks Pietro, squinting at the man"...he looks like Mark Twain".

"THE OLD MAN, MAY GO FIRST", shouts Hank.

The suspicious red-on-black-eyed old man shoots his arrow, hitting the bullseye, making the crowd cheer

"Well done", says Scott, pausing for effect"Remy of N'Orleans".

The crowd gasps, then cheers as Remy takes of his disguise

"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", shout the crowd, waving their hands in the air.

"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", chat Wanda and Rogue in a much more quieter version.

"...Why are people woofing at me", asks Remy, confused.

The Merry Mutants are watching this in shock

"He's crazy, we gotta stop him", says Sabertooth

They charge forward, only to be blocked by Kelly and Duncan

"Sorry", Kelly pauses"...ladies, it's the Royal entrance, you'll have to go round the other way".

Meanwhile, in the Royal booth, Pietro yanks Scott back to his chair

"Look what you've done you IDIOT", snaps Pietro"Now he's even more of a hero to the people!

"Lanciuka still has another shot", points out Scott

"But he hit the very centre of the bullseye", says Pietro, shaking his head"Shmook".

Scott narrows his eyes under his shades at being called a 'shmook'

"Wait..and watch..sire", he says, then adds rather lamely"... and I'm not a shmook"

We see Lance draw out an arrow and fire it. The arrow goes straight through Remy's own, hitting the bullseye. Facade looks up from the crowd, shocked

"He split Remy's arrow in twade", he shouts, lathering everyone close in spit.

The crowd cheer and run from the stands, picking up Lance, while Remy watches, confused. The Merry Mutant...err...ladies, watch as the crowd start to boo and hiss at Remy

"Aww, Remy's in trouble", he says"come on".

He grabs Kelly and Duncan in either arm and tosses them aside

"Owww", groans Kelly"...my leg".

Remy is still standing dumbfounded as the Merry Mutants arrive by his side

"I lost...I lost", Remy blinks"Wait a minute, Remy's not supposed to lose! Let me see de script".

He plucks a script from a Jamie clones hands and starts to flick through it

"Yo, Remy, man", says Kurt with a nervous laugh"time to fly".

The Merry Mutants start to be bombarded with vegetables

"Oh good, they've opened the salad bar", asks Forge.

"WAIT", grins Remy, pointing at the script"I get another shot".

"He gets another shot", shouts Kurt

"Yey", says Sabertooth happily, hugging Remy's head, making Remy squeak in pain

"Does Remy get another shot", asks Rogue, confused.

Pietro and Scott look at each other before taking scripts from Jamie clones themselves, flicking through them and sighing

"Yes, he does, he does", they groan in unison.

Caliban stands up to calm down the hissing and booing crowd

"Ssssssiressss and ladiessss. Ssssilenccce lissssten", says Caliban"Remy hasss another ssshot".

"Yey", shout the crowd.

"Letsss give him the chop", shouts Caliban.

The crowd start to chop their arms up and down, while singing.

**Oh oh oooohh oh oh ohhhhh!**

"Kill him, kill him now", hisses Pietro.

Scott waves rather stupidly at Logan again, who takes aim for Remy's head. He shoots his bow and Forge suddenly snaps out his hand, catching it inches from Remy's face

"...nearly died", squeaks Remy"...big..sharp..pointy."

"Remy", says Jamie in a panicky sing-song voice"...this isn't in the scriiiipt".

Remy cries and suddenly hugs Forge

"Thank you Mon Ami", he sobs.

"Ok...guys", says Forge, not one for 'hugging'"...please get him off me...".

"I am sorry, I am better now...though Remy saw de light", sniffles Remy"Remy heard heavenly voices. Remy saw his own life flash before his eyes...Remy owe Forge a beer".

"...How did you do that", asks Kurt, trying to get things back on track.

"I heard that coming a mile away", says Forge matter-of-factly.

"Very good Blinkin, well done", says Remy.

"Pardon", asks Forge, looking around in a confused way"Who's talking".

Remy gets ready to fire another arrow, Kurt leans in to read the writing on it

"Patriot arrow".

Remy grins and starts to fire his arrow, only to have Lance stomp on his foot, making the arrow shoot into the sky. Sabertooth growls and punches Lance, knocking him out. The arrow, meanwhile, turns around in the sky and comes down under the crowd, making them stand up in a demented Mexican wave. It does the same to the Royal booth and another stand before passing the target, turning around with a screech and slaming into the bullseye, smashing Lance's arrow to bits

"Yeees", shouts Rogue, pumping the air in an un-ladylike fashion.

The crowd goes nuts, while Pietro pouts and Scott fumes. Having enough, Scott stands up

"Arrest him", he shouts.

Suddenly, Calisto, Amara, Lucas and Viper appear, surrounding Remy. While Arcade, Agatha and Black Eagle drag away the Merry Mutants Scott steps down from the Royal stand

"N'Orleans is a traitor to the crown", growls Scott"It'll be so much fun to watch you hang"

"Wait", shouts Rogue, standing up.

They all pause to look at her

"What for", asks Scott.

"If you promise not to kill Remy, I'll do the most hot and lovely", Rogue winces as Jamie glares at her"...I mean disgusting thing I can think of".

"You'll dance naked in a vat of jelly", asks Pietro hopefully.

"Yes, Pietro", says Rogue sarcastically"I'll dance naked in a vat of jelly"

"Oh and what's that", asks Scott.

"Did you just not hear the jelly thing", snaps Pietro"pay attention, man"

"I shall marry you", says Rogue.

"So...no jelly", asks Pietro.

"I really hope Jean didn't hear that...ahem", says Scott"You'll be mine?. You'll give yourself to me every night and sometimes...right after lunch".

"If you're big on comas, sure", says Rogue, then holds her head up high"But only my body. You can never have my mind, my heart or my soul".

"Oh yes, yes", says Scott with a nod"I respect that".

He turns to leave

"Marian, my life's not worth it", begs Remy"Just say ney"

"Hah", says Scott"Walk this way".

He flicks his head back and struts off. Lucas, Amara, Viper and Calisto watch him, then look at Remy, all of the shrug and flick their heads back and strut off after Scott

"Send word to one and all and all and one", Pietro pauses"...that's a little redundant, isn't it".

"WHAT", shouts Hank

"Shut up, snaps Pietro"Tell everybody that before the day is out, we shall have a wedding...or a hanging. Either way, we outta have alot of fun, huh"

The crowd cheer at Pietro, and the Merry Mutants look on

"Ve are grossly out-numbered", mutters Kurt.

"Yeah, so what can we do", says Sabertooth

"Ve gotta get ze Villiagers".

"The Villiagers", says Pyro"They're not ready to fight".

"Man, ve are choiceless", snaps Kurt"Hey, Blinkin, vhats ze fastest vay to reach ze Villiagers".

"Why don't we Kitty 'em", suggests Forge

"Kitty 'em", grins Kurt

"Kitty 'em", laughs Pyro

"Kitty 'em", says Sabertooth

The Merry Mutants walk off, Forge frailing his arms around until he attaches to Kurt's tail and gets dragged along. We go to where Jason is feeding a wide-eyed and jumpy Kitty lots of chocolate and giving her plenty of coffee. He carefully puts her into a car and hands her a note as the Merry Mutants watch

"Now Kitty, take this message to the Villiagers as fast as you can", says Jason, proding her with a long stick at arms length"Now, pay attnetion, have you got it".

"Yeahyeahyeahyeah! Drivebigcar", giggles Kitty shivering in her chocolate-induced state"GoVillagers. Delivermessage. Morecaffine! Hehehehehehhehehehehehe".

Jason gulps, stepping aside, as Kitty steps on the gas, zooming off with a screech, phasing through anything that gets in her way

"Come on, lets get out of these ladies clothing, and get into our tights", says Kurt.

They all sudenly whip off their dresses...

"Strip show", grins Mystique, then winces"...wait...my son is there, noooo".

...To reveal their Merry Mutants garb underneath

"Annnnnd cut", grins Jamie

"Shouldn't someone go and find Kitty", asks Jason

"Nah, she'll just drive around until she gets sleepy", says Jamie.

"And then what".

"She'll either fall alseep at the wheel, killing thousands", says Jamie with a shrug"or she'll drive home".

"I think I'll book myself into a hotel tonight", murmers Jason"..keep clear of the roads"

-

Another act done and dusted, only two more to go! I shall pick my next parody by pulling a name out of a hat, yup, should liven things up a bit, no?


	12. A wedding or a hanging

Mutants in Tights - A Parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"My fortune cookie from yesterday told me, 'give it up, you loser'".

-

EE's Skysong - Yup, you're more than welcome to use Forge's sleep inventing :D

-

ACT 12 - A wedding or a hanging

-

We open up to the gallows, where Nick Fury is prancing around, trying to find a noose to fit Remy's neck

"Lets see, are you about a 16 - 16 and a half", asks Nick"Heh heh".

He giggles and holds a noose around his neck to show

"You been eatin' whatever dey fed Kitty", asks Remy nervously.

Nick ignores him, singing happily to himself as he ties a noose around Remy's neck

"It's a little tight", gasps Remy

"Wellllllll, that's the idea", laughs Nick"Would you care for a blindfold? How about half of one".

He giggles, then lifts up his eye patch

"Argghhhh! Put it back, put it back", screams Remy, closing his eyes"Dere's a reason why dey make you wear one!...Remy gonna have nightmares for weeks".

Nick laughs and kisses Remy on the cheek

"Kill me, kill me now", whimpers Remy.

We hear an organ play and see Magneto walking down an isle, dressed in an Abott's suit, Scott following behind him

"I'm Jewish for Gods sake", complains Magneto.

"Well...the comics keeo messing up on that", said Jamie"besides, you're the only one that fit in the costume"

"I could kill you all with my thumb", mutters Magneto under his breath.

As he walks past the camea, he clonks it with the staff he was carrying

"Was that necersarry", asks Jamie with a sigh

"Just putting out a point", says Magneto, matter-of-factly.

"Good Morrow Abott", smiles Duncan

"Good Morrow", says Magneto pleasantly.

"Welcome Abott", smiles Amanda

"Morrow", says Magneto.

"Hello Abot", says Hank, who technically should be dead, but hey.

"Good Morrow".

"Hey Abeeettttt", shouts Cain

"I hate that guy", hisses Magneto.

Magneto and Scott make it onto a small altar, which is standing right next to the gallows that Remy is standing on. The music changes to the wedding march, and we see Pietro walking Rogue up the isle. Pietro pauses and clicks some keys behind him, there is a blip blip and the castle gates close behind him

"How convinent", grins Pietro.

They get to the altar and Rogue sees Remy standing, looking rather fed up, with a noose around his neck

"What's going on", shouts Rogue

"Just in case you change your mind, my dear", smirks Scott

"I would read this from the new Latin, but I won't, and as seen as I can't find a Torah anywhere, I'm just going to wing it", smiles Magneto

"Yeah...this is exactly how a'h pictured ma'h wedding day to be like", mutters Rogue, crossing her arms.

"We are gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Mervin the Sheriff of", Magneto pauses"...Mervin? Your name is Mervin".

Everyone starts to giggle

"Todd Fan would just like to point out that she has nothing against the name of Mervin", says Jamie"in fact, she had an uncle named Mervin".

"Shut up, shut up", shouts Scott"Continue with the service".

"Okay", says Magneto, then adds wiht a snort"..Mervin".

The whole crowd errupts into laughter again, we can hear the Merry Mutants laughing from backstage, along with the Mafia

"Mervin", laughs Lance.

"Shut up", screams Scott"or I'LL KILL YOU ALL".

He takes of his glasses and shoots a hole in one of the castle's walls

"...someone's testy. Do you...", Magneto gives a sly smirk"Sheriff of Rottingham, take Maid Marian Of McCoy".

"There they go again...", grumbles Hank.

"..To be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold in sickness and in health, 'till death do you part".

"Yes I do", snaps Scott"get on with it".

"You are ruining the most magical day of my life", sobs Rogue

"And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said to him", asks Magneto

"Rrrroooowwlll", purrs Rogue

"ROGUE", snaps Jamie.

"Sorry", sniffs Rogue, getting back into character"...I...I...I".

"Say I do", says Scott sinisterly"or Remy dies".

Over at the gallows, Nick waves at them and gives Remy's noose a few tugs with a demented giggle as Remy rolls his eyes.

"I ..I", stammers Rogue.

Suddenly, the Merry Men appear and Kurt shoots a bow, snapping the rope around Remy's neck

"I dooooo not", shouts Rogue, then looks at Scott"...I want to remind you Scott, that this is just my line, and has nothing on my own personal feelings".

Scott blinks, backing away

"...Ok".

"Vho's ze Elf", says Kurt, boogying down"Vho's ze Elf".

"Arrest them", shouts Scott"Seize them! Stop them".

"Hurt them, hurt them", chants Pietro..

"Look, the villagers are coming", shouts Alex.

The crowd scream as the Villiagers show up and start fighitng with the guards. Remy pulls the noose from his neck and hands it back to Nick

"Remy believe dis is yours", says Remy

"Well, you know what they say, no noose is good noose", says Nick, then laughs manically.

"Remy going to back away from you now", says Remy, doing so..slowly.

Nick walks off and Remy watches the fight from the gallows. Kurt bamfs up next to him

"Nice shooting Achoo", says Remy.

"To tell ze truth, I vas aiming for Nick Fury", says Kurt with a shrug

The other Merry Mutants climb up, a group of guards appearing at the bottom.

"On de count of jump", says Remy"Wait for it...JUMP".

As the guards run at them, the Merry Mutants jump up, grabbing hold of the gallow bar, the guards fall off the other side of the gallows and end up face first in a bunch of buckets

"Guys...there's a human head in mine", whimpers Evan"...A HUMAN HEAD".

The Merry Mutants give a big high-five, but Forge's timing is off, so misses them and ends up throwing himself of the floor

"Oww", he groans from the floor.

The fight rages on, and we see that Scott and Rogue are still on the altar

"I shall have you, married or no", says Scott.

"Just what a girl wants to hear", mutters Rogue.

Scott wraps Rogue in a rug and slings her over his shoulder before running fr the castle

"Remy, ze Sheriff, he got you voman, man! He's going to deflower her in ze tower", Kurt pauses"...hey that's my sister, creep".

"And cut", says Jamie

"I'm gonna get you Summers", growls Kurt

"Kurt, it's just a line", stammers Scott"I would never...".

"Stand still so I can punch you", growls Kurt

-

Run, Scott, run!. Only one chapter left! Incidentally, the parody which was drawn out of the hat was 'Little Shop of Mutants' the first act for that will be up when the last act of this one goes up. I'm also starting to pile up a plan for my musicals, but they won't be re-written, just started anew. Do review. Until next time...


	13. The finalie

Mutants in Tights - A Parody of a Parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished".

-

ACT 13 - The Finalie!

-

We cut to the tower room, where Rogue is lying on the bed, a dreamy look on her face

"I'm sorry we don't have enough time for romance, my dear. But consider this foreplay", Scott winces"..oh God, I feel so horrible and dirty".

"You're a villian, get used to it", snapped Jamie"this is the last act anyway"

Scott gives Rogue an appologetic look before jumping onto the bed to stradle her

"Mmm...", sighs Rogue

"Oh no, stop it now", groans Jamie"...you're supposed to hate it".

"Appologies in advance", says Scott, ripping off the dress, finding the everlast"A chastity belt? Oohh, that's gonna chaife my willy".

"Tee hee", giggles Jamie"willy"

"This is what we get for letting a twelve year old direct this scene", mutters Scott, then looks at Rogue"I'll be back".

As he runs off, we see Pyro and Sabertooth standing outside, still by the gallows

"I hope she's still wearing her iron underwear", says Pyro.

"Has anyone seen my arm", asks Forge

We hear the sound of drilling coming from the tower

"Errr...never mind", he says, shuddering"...man, I hope he washes it afterwards".

Inside the tower, Rogue is shaking...shaking alot

"No matter what youl do I shall never submmmiiiiiiiiiiit", she says, her voice shaking from all the drilling.

We see that Scott had got Forge's arm in drill form and is trying to use it to open the lock. The door suddenly bursts open and Remy steps in, striking a hero pose

"Ah hah", says Remy.

"Reeeeemmmmyyyyyy", judders Rogue.

Remy studenly draws out his bo staff, on which he has stuck a rather sharp point blade to the end of

"Prepare for de fight scene", he says.

Scott watches for a second, before dropping the arm

"Hey, do I throw YOUR limbs on the floor like rubbish", snaps Forge.

"Forgive the interuption, my darling", says Scott"I will dispatch your love, then come back and finish the job".

He grabs his sword and runs towards Remy

"En guarde".

"You are SO slaughtering de French language", says Remy, narrowing his eyes.

"You're not even FRENCH", shouts Jamie"you're Cajun, you idiot".

"Fine", grumbles Remy, then smirks at Scott"T'anks for de warning"

Both fight, exchanging puns of all kinds, neither of them actually HITTING each other. Scott backs into a fire, burning his backside. They back into a corridor, where you can only see their shiloettes. They both make hand shadow puppet animals, which attack each other, Remy's bizare looking cow...

"It's a dog", says Remy.

...sorry. Remy's bizare looking dog, losing. They keep fighting until Remy sticks his pointed bo staff out of a window, hooking one of Freddy's dougnuts

"Hey", says Freddy.

"Oh...sorry", says Remy, handing it back to him

Scott suddenly pulls out a dagger but misses, instead cutting the locket off Remy's neck. The locket flies into the air, bursting open on the ceiling, a small key falls out of it and lands neatly in the lock of Rogue's chastity belt

"Who saw that one coming...", says Rogue, rolling her eyes.

"It IS the key to de greatest treasure in all de land", grins Remy.

"Glad ya love me for my personality, Rem'", mutters Rogue"Oh Remy, this means you have always been my one true love because it's just the right size".

"It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it", snaps Scott.

"Someone has issues, Remy sees", grins Remy.

Scott and Remy start fighting again. Remy punches Scott in the face, making him crash into the wall and fall slumped in a chair. Remy smiles and kisses his bo staff

"T'ank you, mon ami",

Scott suddenly gets up and charges towards Remy with his dagger...and right into the pointed end of the Bo staff as Remy puts it under his arm. Remy moves and we see the staff jutting out of Scott's chest

"Owww...dying sucks", says Scott, then sighs"I mean, oh it's not...so bad".

He turns and see the rest of the bo staff is sticking through his back

"...I was wrong"

As Scott falls to the floor, Jean comes in, screaming and crying, she runs to his side. Remy and Rogue shrug and go over to watch...'cause they're morbid like that

"Oh my dear beloved Sheriff of Rottingham", cries Jean"You've been run through! How do you feel".

Scott blinks at her for a few moments.

"I'm DYING you fool".

"You don't HAVE to die", grins Jean

"I..don't", asks Scott, suddenly unsure.

"No. I've got this magic pill, that could save your life", says Jean, waving it in front of him"

"Don't trust magic pills, Scott", shouts Forge"they make swirly patterns. SWIRLY PATTERNS"

Jean blinks, before looking back at Scott.

"And I'll give it to you, if you promise to marry me, and be mine forever".

Scott gives a worried glance at Rogue and Remy, who watch him with interest

"Oh..alright", he sighs

Jean shoves the pill in his mouth before yaning out the sword, Scott's mortal wound healing instantly

"Oooooohhh swirly patterns...man, where did you get this pill", slurs Scott.

"I TOLD YOU", yelps Forge

"It's a secret", snaps Jean, then smiles sweetly"How do you feel now".

"Good, suprisingly good", says Scott, then blinks as Jean strokes his hair"...and yet..somehow..incredibly depressed".

Jean giggles and gives him an eskimo kiss before dragging Scott away, feet first

"I always wanted to marry a cop", she grins

"Wait, wait, I've changed my miiiiiinnd", screams Scott as he is dragged away, never to be seen again.

Remy and Rogue watch them go before looking at each other

"I love you, Remy Of N'Orleans"/

"And I you, Marian Of McCoy".

He picks her up, maiden style and carries her to the bed

"At last my darling", he pauses"...wait...how's Remy supposed to do dis".

Rouge purrs and puts Remy's hand on the chastity belt

"Yes, yes, yes yes", she gasps.

"Bow chica wow wow, bow chicha wow wow", says Jamie.

"Remy will t'ink of something", decides Remy

Suddenly, Wanda comes running in

"Noooooooooooooooooooo", she screams"Wait, wait. You're not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it, or else I blew it...and now they are making me rhyme".

Remy and Rogue look at each other and shrug. We go to outside a tent, where Todd is giving circumisions for half off. Remy, Rogue and all the characters show up outside

"Hey, Rabbi", shouts Remy

"Who calls", asks Todd, poking his head out of the tent

"It is I, Remy. We wish to get married", he says, then grins"In a hurry".

"Married in a hurry, that's wonderfull", grins Todd"Wait, I'm on my last customer, I'll be right out".

He goes back in and we hear the snip of the guilotene and a tortured scream

"Put a little ice on it, it'll be fine", says Todd as he leaves his tent and walks to the convienient altar,

"Married in a hurry, married in a hurry. Please, invite me to the briss", says Todd"Now, are you ready? Remy, do you".

"I do", says Remy

"Marian, do you, asks Todd.

"A'h do", grins Rogue

"I know pronounce you, man and wii...".

"I object", shouts Xavier, wheeling up from nowhere"Just because Partick Stewart got the role in the movie...you think it's funny...stupid Todd Fan".

"Who asked", says Todd, blinking

"It's King Xavier back from the crusades", gasps Pyro

The crowd cheers, Pietro, who's mole is now on his forehead, winces

"Boy, now I'm in trouble...", he mutters to himself.

Xavier wheels up to the altar and stares at Pietro

"You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority", he says plucking the crown from Pietro's head and putting it on his own

"Oh, but it looked so much better on my head", whimpers Pietro"Please have mercy on me...brother. It wasn't my fault!. I got some really bad advice from the Sheriff of Rottingham".

The Merry Men give the 'bullshit' cough...in unison

"Brother, you have surrounded your given name, with a foul stench", Xavier gives an evil grin"From ths day forth, all the toilet in Bayville will be known as PIE'S".

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo", screams Pietro

"Put him in the tower of..err...Bayville", says Xavier"Make him part of the tour".

Pietro cries as he is dragged away

"Remy, news to your great deeds have reached me even in...Africa. Bayville owes you and you're..err..men a great deal of gratitude", says Xavier"Hence forth, all your family's rights and lands shall be returned, and you shall rule all of Bayville from this day forth...well..apart from me".

He suddenly pulls out a sword from behind his wheelchair

"Oh non, you're going to kill Remy", sobs Remy

"Kneel, Remy Of N'Orleans", says Xavier, rolling his eyes"idiot"

Remy kneels and Xavier plonks the sword on his shoulder

"Arise SIR Remy Of N'Orleans", says Xavier

The crowd all cheer happily

"'Scuse me, King", says Todd, interupting"Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian".

"I have no objections. But I have not yet kissed the bride", says Xavier"..not that I want a coma. It is a custom and my royal right".

"Stand in", shouts Jamie

"Can we just", Xavier winces"...skip this scene".

"No", says Jamie with an evil laugh.

Mystique gives a manical laugh and morphs into Rogue, taking her place. Xavier ahnds Todd the sword

"Hold this father", says Xavier.

"Rabbi", Todd corrects

"Whatever", says Xavier.

'Rogue' steps froward and goes into a lip-lock with Xavier

"It's good to be the King", muses Todd.

"Done now", says Mystique, patting Xavier's head"Puuurrrrrr".

"Help...", whimpers Xavier

"Gabrielle was a very lucky lady", smirks Mystique, before skipping off.

Xavier gives a shudder, before looking at Jamie.

"Now you may marry them".

"Thank you, your Majesty", says Todd, handing Xavier is sword"Here's your knife".

"Sword", Xavier corrects

"Whatever", says Todd with a shrug, going back to the altar"Ok, now where did we leave off?. Oh, yeah, that's right. We're up to the best part. Do you Marian".

"A'h do", says Rogue

"Do you, Remy".

"I do".

"I now pronounce you man and...", Todd pauses, looking at Xavier, who nods"Wife".

"STAND IN", shouts Jamie

"Two in one day, whooooo", grins Mystique dancing up.

"Please, I'll chance de coma", cries Remy.

"Hang on", says Rogue

She puts her gloved hand on Remy's mouth and kisses it

"Ta da", she grins

"Awww, you spoiled all my fun", snaps Mystique, then smirks"Well, I'm going to go to the Pie".

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo", cries Pietro.

"We're gonna have to remodel the castle, to make room for all the babies", sobs Wanda, stroking Sabertooth's arm.

"Someone pour some cold water on this kid", mutters Sabertooth

"For my first order of buisness, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of Rottingham", says Remy"My friend, Achoo".

He draws out his bo staff and hands it to Kurt

"All right", grins Kurt.

"A blue sheriff", shouts the crowd

"He's blue", asks Forge

"Vhy not", girins Kurt"Eeet vorked in Blazing Mutants".

"No it didn't, that was MY job", snaps Forge"Why aren't I Sheriff".

"You vant eet, bring eet on, one arm", snarls Kurt.

"ONE ARM", shouts Forge"Die fuzzball"

Remy blinks as Forge and Kurt attempt to kill each other

"Let them sort it out for themsleves...", says Jamie"they'll wear themselves out"

We watch Rogue and Remy ride off into the sunset on 'Rent a Wreck', now with 'Just Married' tied on it's behind and cans trailing from it's tail. We hear the rap music again and cut to where Bobby, Sam, Ray, Roberto and Freddy are in the woods..as they were waaaaay back in act one as Bobby sings.

**And that's the story**

**And it worked out good**

**King Xaviers on his throne**

**And Remy's back in the hood**

**So lets bid our friends a fond adieu**

**And hope we meet again in Remy LeBeau II**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, sing the guys.

**I said hey**, sings Bobby

**Hey**, sing the guys

**I said**

**Hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny and a here we go!**

We finally go to Remy's home, where he carried Rogue maiden style to the bed...again

"Welcome home, Mrs Of N'Orleans", sighs Remy

"Mrs Of N'Orleans. Oh I'm so happy", grins Rogue, then groans"..I want to puke".

"Oh my dearest, should Remy turn de key", he asks.

"Oh yes but please", Rogue lowers her lashes"..be gentle".

We cut to outside the castle, where we can still hear Remy and Rogue's voices

"Ummm...darling", says Remy

"What", asks Rogue softly.

"You're not going to believe this...".

"What"

"It won't open".

"WHAT".

"Wait. Remy has an idea. Call de locksmith".

We leave this happy scene, as the call for the locksmith sweeps around Bayville

THE END

"Hi there, we would all like to thank you for reading this wonderfull presentation", says Jamie"Look out for more parodies by Todd Fan, coming soon to a page near you!. Incidentally, if you're interested, check out many other great parodies by many great authors , such as Blazing Mutants, by Matt, Mutantballs, by Shel and, of course, Scotties New Grove, By Alison...there, I did the advertising you told me to do Todd Fan..can I go home now?

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And there's another parody fully updated! Next up is Little Shop of Mutants, first chappie up today! Do review.


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